Editing Prize

The first one out of my one fan to find the typos in the previous blog post will receive a free 10 minute session on Skype with me.

Letter of Thanks

Dear Crabs,

You don't know me. My name is Lipsty, I'm an Australian writer/editor living in Taiwan. I've been a big fan of you guys ever since I was a kid. On a trip to the Philippines a couple of years ago I realised that there was something I could do to get even closer to you guys - crab walking.

Ever since that day I have regularly paid homage to you by crab walking in a range of different situations, to a range of different venues. Below is a list (not complete) of different ways I have indugled in crab walking:

1. I crab walked to the 711 once
2. I crab walked for part of the journey to walk the other day
3. I crab walked up and down a flight of stairs
4. I crab walked around my classroom once
5. I crab walked into an elevator at a major department store
6. I crab walked from my table at the pub to the bathroom once
7. I crab walked from my scooter into Starbucks once

I could continue for ages but I don't want to waste your valuable time as I'm sure you also have a lot of crab walking to do. I just wanted to thank you guys for changing my life and giving me something to be passionate about.

Here's to many more crab walking excursions.

Yours sincerely,

Lipsty

Punctuation!?,,,,,

Just as a quick side note, I've noticed (along with others) in my new writing and editing job that I am a bit tight with the old punctuation. I've never been one to chuck in an extra comma here or there. I'm, going to! start, turning over a - new leaf,,,,,,.! 

Holler at me, if, you think! I'm' missing out on any punctua,ti,on marks! 

Word! 

Remember That Time You Didn't Write A Blog for 27 Days and Other Observations

I'm remembering that time! Seems like a distant memory now that I'm tap dancing on the keyboard preparing to write something Earth shattering to give my anonymous readers something to while away the seconds (or maybe even minutes if I can be bothered). I love observant people. You know who you are. Particularly when they catch you doing something damning. Even better, is an unobservant person who snaps out of their daily haze to catch you at your worse. 

Like the teacher who'd miss all of my friends' typos on their school assignments but managed to zero in on my "pubic relations" report. Certainly a lot more fun than "public" relations. Although, others would argue that the best past time of all would be "public pubic relations" - ooohhh the thrill of getting caught. 

Like my ESL student who always wrote "bog" instead of "dog" but managed to catch me out leaving an "o" out of balloon. The little dude couldn't string a sentence together but rose to triumph over his teacher. It was a simple writing error, by the way, it had nothing to do with my propensity to spell simple words. Needless to say he didn't receive any stickers for a week. 

Like my taxi driver the other night who waited for me to nestle into my sticky, stinky seat before announcing in Chinese, "you're a foreigner." I'm sure had he realised the magnitude of the awkward silence that was to follow, he never would have pointed out the obvious to me. I'm not sure if was the pasty white skin, the blue eyes or the curly "mother of pearl" hair that gave it away. Who has "mother of pearl" coloured hair by the way? I think it's more a tooth colour than hair,  it's certainly not the colour of my hair. A lot of fun to declare, too. Actually, this guy isn't even a good example of what I'm talking about - but never mind! 

Anyway, I guess I'm going to stop playing hard to get. I've been asked by my one fan (you know who you are) to keep the blogs coming. So I will. Just for you. If you're willing to read the rubbish that I drivel on a regular basis, then I should at least be forthright with the drivel. 

An interesting exchange that I had at my favourite local Middle Eastern restaurant tonight: 

Waitress: Would you like the Egyptian cigars?

Me: No, I'm Australian. 

Sometimes 2 + 2 really does equal 5. 

Stay tuned for Friday's newsflash of the week. Back by popular demand - designed to keep my fan at bay ;) 

Remember to thank Oprah before each meal, remember if it's a cheap curry you'll be in the bathroom for days afterwards and that it's easier to kill two stones with one mockingbird...or whatever. 

Lipsty!

The End of an Era

Moving on is ideal when there are no emotions attached. I'm currently winding up my Asia tour. I've marked the date on the calendar for a year from now (I'm confident that this is it), I've passed on all my furniture to anyone willing to take it and I've down-sized considerably. This is the part that astounds me the most. I still have enough stuff to fill a removalist truck even though I feel like I've spent more time at the garbage bins than in my house and I've fully furnished several people's homes with my stuff. 

I don't think of myself as a hoarder but I guess I must be. Actually, now that I think of it I know I am. Thinking back on conversations we've had as we're trying to discriminate between what to move up north and what to toss. 

Me: No worries, throw out that praying mantis leg, I don't use it anymore anyway. 

Ten minutes later. 

Me: Where'd you put that praying mantis leg? It will probably come in handy in the new house. 

Anyway, moving house is a nightmare. I hate it, I have no desire to do it as regularly as I have been of late, but it's time to move onto greener pastures and get out of this vortex of boredom and repetition. 

Time to mop! 

I bet Oprah has someone to mop for her! 

Ciao. 

The Taiwan Weekly

I am going to start posting important news items from Taiwan each week. Check back each Friday for the news item of the week selected from many pressing issues that have arisen during the working week. Here's the first one. 

Whiteboard Magnets Disappear From Classroom

In a chilling incident in a local high school in Taichung (central Taiwan) up to 8 long, black whiteboard magnets have disappeared from a senior high school classroom. The incident happened after a student recruitment exercise involving teachers demonstrating a typical lesson at the school. 

"We're not sure what happened to the magnets, but basically a teacher borrowed them and then they were never returned. When we went back to check the room they weren't there," reported a staff member who wishes to remain anonymous. 

According to staff estimates the magnets are worth 24NTD in total, which roughly works out to being $1USD. 

"With the way the economy is at the moment we can't afford to be splurging on new classroom materials. We're pretty sure that we've narrowed the suspects down to 6 people but they are all reluctant to assist in the investigation," said another teacher who is responsible for spying on the other teachers and reporting back to management. 

The school is planning on increasing security measures to ensure that a repeat incident doesn't occur. All teachers will be frisked on their way out of the building and the 'Magnet Check-out Book' will be monitored carefully in the future. 

The principal of the school, Mr Lai, released a statement at a press conference urging other schools to be more fastidious about their classroom security. 

"You never expect this kind of thing to occur in your own school. I guess this has been a real wake up call for all of us. Sometimes you think you can trust the people you work with every day and then you get a swift slap in the face which reminds you that people just aren't how they were back in the day. Be careful, this isn't just about whiteboard magnets. It's about other things like markers, paper clips, staples, erasers, rulers, basically all kinds of stationary. I hope your schools never have to deal with something like this." 

The investigation is expected to continue into the next semester until the culprit is caught. 

By Mirsty Fleabeck 

Stockholm Syndrome

I've been kidnapped by reality and now that it's starting to turn out for the best I'm falling for it. 

'The Way It Is' has endured an untimely hiatus due to my impulsive urge to move back to the big smoke that is Taipei. After acquiring a writing job in a publishing company I decided to leave the mountaintop mansion to go live in a cockroach infested matchbox in Taipei. However, the question was, 'which cockroach infested matchbox?'

After six weeks of house hunting I FINALLY found literally the exact house I was looking for (or hoping would be vacated). Good things come to those who wait ~ or threaten to kill their real estate agents. To be fair, in the end I did find a lovely real estate agent however I did encounter some little gems along the way. Here is a brief list of some of the wonderful characters I met along the way. 

Mrs 'It's already quite dirty so you don't have to worry about cleaning too much' Chen 

Mr 'I know it's not what you're looking for but you can see my office from this window' Wang

Mrs 'I know it said on the ad it's close to the MRT but it's not actually that close' Lai (pronounced Lie ;) 

Mr 'We're a bit dubious about two girls living together' Lin (pronounced homophobe)

Mr 'Insert 10 minutes of nervous giggling here' Wu (at least he knew his house was hideous)

Mr 'You need to come up to Taipei tomorrow to look at this gem' Wang

Mr 'Sorry I said it was a gem and made you come all the way up here from a city two hours down south when it's actually a hell hole' Wang 

Mrs 'Don't mind all the dead cockroach bodies' Wen 

Many giggles were had along the way, however by the time I'd found my place the giggle pond was definitely starting to dry up. I did learn a lot about myself during the past six weeks, here are some of the best ones. 

1. Even when I feel like I'm about to explode in a fit of rage I can smile politely and say, 'thank you for your time'.

2. Whenever I want to say, 'this place is a pile of $%#^ $@$@!$' my brain is automatically programmed to transmit, 'wow what an interesting space' to my mouth. 

3. I can politely tell people never to call me again without sounding rude. 

4. My penchant for tripping up stairs is something I will never grow out of. 

5. When I speak Chinese often elderly people mistake it for English.

6. The prospect of having a free bucket thrown in to collect the water from the leaking roof is not quite enough to sell me on an apartment. 

7. I can find any excuse to drink a beer, and house hunting related fatigue is now a favourite. 

8. If I wear wet shoes and socks all day, my feet will turn white and shrivel up into prune-like ghost-feet which are a third of their original size. 

9. I hate people who have numerous aliases and pop up everywhere to meet me to look at different properties. 

10. My favourite memory of house hunting was when Anna (my partner in crime) introduced me to a landlady as Ragina (as in rhyming with vagina) rather than Regina (rhyming with spleena) HAHAHAHHAH what's a spleena? Anyway, the woman's embarrassed giggle spoke a million words. 

I'm not homeless anymore! 'The Way It Is' is officially back in action. Let me know if you're reading it, let me know if you're not! Remember: no blog support = no Christmas card. 

I'd like to thank Oprah for getting me through the house hunt. 

Love!