The Time Traveller's Girlfriend

I travelled through time this morning. It could have been far more exciting, but I travelled forward at the same speed as everyone else. While it felt faster at certain points, when I arrived at work I realised it was 8:16am and I'd left the house at 8:00am. If my calculations are correct, this means that it took me 16 minutes to get to work, which is the same as most days.

Time travel isn't always everything it's cracked up to be.

'My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.' - Oprah Winfrey

Thank you for the quote, you know who you are! xx

A Long Walk To Anchorage

Holler! 

Yes. Here I am. Ready to contribute to the world's leading half-assed and sporadic blog. Well, shoot me for being busy! Between a fleeting visit to Australia to gatecrash my dad's 60th, a mega, super typhoon on my second day back in Taiwan, showing Tegan and Sara around Miami, parking my 125CC scooter on my right big toenail and launching my solo career, there hasn't been much time for blogging. Oh and work hasn't exactly been understanding when it's come to giving me leave to hit the studio and rock out. Maybe I shouldn't have told them all that I started my guitar lessons a month ago? Nah! 

So, let's start with the fleeting trip to Australia. T'was glorious! Not much more to say about that really. Crackin' time, evened out the ratio of alcohol in Australia to that in Taiwan, we're tipping the balance again! I took one for the team by spending 6 minutes and 35 seconds of my trip sober. 

As for the typhoon, well we have definitely done something to enrage Mother Nature. While we all rejoiced at the chance for a day off work, we were hoping the long weekend would be granted without all the destruction that occasionally comes with the beasts. Many thoughts are with all the families affected. 

On a lighter note, despite the fact I showed Tegan and Sara around Miami, while I was sleeping (and in Taiwan, while they were in Canada). It really took it out of me. I felt jet lagged the next day after all that shopping. I'm still not sure if it's socially acceptable to include the events of a dream in the events of one's life, but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

I'm gutted to report that the next incident is factual and unfortunately wasn't contained to a dream as it should have been. The parking of the scooter on the big toenail did in fact happen. I'm trying to be positive about it, though. It served as an important function in community relations by further alienating me from my neighbours. Why is it that all the people that have restaurants below my block of flats can't speak a word of English but know the "F" bomb? 

...hmmm...on further thought, it might be the same reason that I know how to say it in approximately 20 languages. Well the world is a multicultural place and I guess if you can't get your point across any other way the "F" bomb comes in handy, even if it doesn't even start with "F" in the chosen language. 

Anyway, the much coveted Community Member of the Year trophy has slipped from my grasp yet again. I'll have to go for the Vagrant of the Year instead. Shouldn't be too hard! So, back on track, toenail is blue, still in tact however, which is a god send since it's just grown back. Who said I'm accident prone? Shut up! 

So as for my solo career. I'm spreading my wings and soaring. I might even have the debut album out earlier than first though. Prediction at press time is that it might be ready by January 15th of 2014! You heard it here first. I've got a mean G-chord on me now (and I'm not talking about my underwear). 

Stay tuned for sneak previews of the hottest album of 2014! 

Who's got a good quote from Oprah? Or at least something from her Book Club? What a gem! Rock out, y'all! Holler! 

xx

P.S Not sure what the blog title means. Any suggestions would mean a lot to me! ;) 

Album Release Announcement

************URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT********YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST************

For anyone who has read my blog in the past (people keep threatening to, but I'm not sure if they've been brave enough to follow through with it), you'll know I've been learning guitar. Well, basically, I've learnt all the chords and a few scales. Soooooo...it is without further adieu that I announce: 

A Fine Line Between Snores and Farts. 

Kirsty Webeck's first folk album. 

So basically, here's the story, I'm going to need lessons for about 5 or 6 years before I can write or record anything. So I just wanted to let the world know that I'm ready for the challenge, I've thought of the album's name and I've got a goal that I'm striving toward in leaps and bounds. At the moment I think the release date will be around September 3, 2014, but I'll keep the schedule up-to-date via this blog. 

Later in the week I'll be posting the lyrics to my first mega-hit just so you can get to know them before the album hits the charts. 

Thanks for all your support guys. I really appreciate it. 

xx

Amendments

With a view to fooling the world into thinking that anyone reads my blog, I have removed the 'followers' section. This way I can tell people that I'm taking a few days off work to reply to all the mail I've received from the thousands of followers who read my blog and would probably die without it. 

There is no need to display one's significant lack of readership. The good thing is that I am my biggest fan. I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes I can make myself cry with laughter. I know I probably shouldn't be admitting to that, but it's not an ego thing. I'm fully aware that half (or more) of the things I say, don't make sense, certainly aren't funny and send people off looking puzzled, often shepherding their children away from me with gentle whispers reassuring them that they'll never have to meet me again. 

I'm not a stranger to being introduced to people with stern looks warning me not to say something too ridiculous. You know, that gritted teeth utterance of one's name, while (to the untrained eye) gently resting one's hand on the potential screw-up's shoulder, all the while the finger tips are burrowing a hole into the shoulder. That kinda thing! 

Anyway, I've covered a lot of ground since the original thought of taking down my 'followers' list. It was a bit bleak, a bit grim, the kind of thing that you think you must have checked the wrong box for:

Would you like your blog to kick you in the teeth and remind you everytime you log on that you're a loser? Check the box below to activate this feature.

On that note, I'm going to go find that check box and uncheck it. I've recently started writing proverbs too, so I can leave some of my wisdom on this Earth for everyone. 

The sitting duck and the cicada both reached for the same cob loaf. The baker tilted his silly hat and all the darkness in the world was left whispering through the willows like that weird sound you make when you're trying to scratch the back of your throat...with your throat. 

Lipsty 16/7/2009 - I trust that I don't need to explain this. 

Besos.

Lipsty 

The Taiwan Weekly

Motorcyle Hidden By Layers of Bird Faeces.

A Shida resident awoke early on Thursday morning to discover a large, white mound in place of her motorcycle. Upon closer inspection, the worried resident realised that the white mound was in fact her motorcycle covered in faecal matter from some kind of avian species. In a country that has in the past held grave fears about bird flu, it would seem that an even bigger threat today is bird poo (although rhyming with bird flu, it is a completely different threat).

Ms. Wang parked her motorcycle in the alley at around 9:30pm on Wednesday night. Unbeknownst to her, she was making the fateful error of parking under one of the few trees in the neighbourhood. Ms. Wang has indicated that if she could turn back time she never would have made this decision (and she'd take back those words that hurt you, and you'd say... - or is that from the Cher song?).

"I just took it for granted that there was a parking space free, in such a busy part of the city I seized the opportunity and parked there. Now I know why the space was vacant," a teary Ms. Wang explained while digging through the pile with a packet of wet wipes.

Thankfully for Ms. Wang litigation is alive and well in Taiwan and she will be pursuing the matter with local authorities. She is currently seeking legal advice from Lee, Chen and the Money Grabbing Associates about how to go about suing the local council. In addition, she will sue the national government for outlawing bird hunting in the city, and she will also seek damages from the birds themselves. She is also pursuing avenues to sue the local restaurant owners who covered their mouths and giggled uncontrollably throughout her ordeal, while pointing her hidden motorcycle out to passersby. For now, all of us at the Taiwan Weekly wish Ms. Wang all the best in her endeavours to uncover the rest of her motorcycle.

By: Lipsty

Humble Pie

To My Sister,

I am sorry for saying you have ginger hair on your Facebook page. You don't have ginger hair. Most people can see you don't have ginger hair and I hope you don't have any 'friends' on your Facebook account that don't know you well enough to know that you DON'T (I repeat, DON'T) have ginger hair.

If anyone ever says you have ginger hair I will personally write you a reference saying you DON'T have ginger hair. Again, I'm sorry for the confusion. Your hair is very NOT ginger.

Thanks in advance for accepting this apology.

Love,
Lipsty

Reverse Sigh-kology

Holler! I'm guessing that to successfully undertake reverse psychology on yourself you have to have a certain level of intellect. This is clearly a level that I've not reached yet. 

Example A: Recently, I have realised that my fear of cockroaches has spiralled out of control. This dawned on me numerous times, but especially when my hair fell on my face and I thought it was a cockroach so smashed myself in the side of the face with my mobile phone, leaving a bruise on my cheekbone. I thought, something has got to give. So I tricked myself (a little more so than I care to admit). I decided to try to think of cockroaches around my garden as pets, and to let them be and try to adjust my feelings  toward them rather than adjusting their life spans. 

Result: I realised I'm a pet killer. Despite their new status as 'pet,' I was still mauling them with gallons of cockroach spray. 

Side effect of the result: Feelings of sadness knowing I'm a pet killer. Who knows when I'll stop? I'm scared to walk past the park in case I suddenly decide to kill the neighbours golden retriever. 

Lesson for the general public: Don't ask me to pet sit when you go on holidays unless you want to come back to find Fluffy and Wiggles lifeless and stuck to the ground covered in white spray.

I'm really not very good at this stuff at all. It can go either way, I feel ridiculous because I know I'm tricking myself, or I trick myself really well, forget I'm tricking myself, let myself down and then feel like a failure...then ages down the track I remember I was tricking myself and have to deal with the effects of mixed feelings - pride that I tricked myself so well, and fright that even I can trick myself so well. 

When will it end? Hasta la vista cockroaches, thanks for making me realise I'm a sigh-ko! 

I wonder if Oprah kills cockroaches? I wonder MORE why there are so bloody many cockroaches in Taiwan. I wonder EVEN MORE why the hell I'm still here with all the little stinkers! 

Who's to say in this crazy, mixed up world. 

Love to you and your pets! 

xxxx