Maintenance Problems

Holler,

Been a while! I'm not gonna lie about that! So the site has been playing up for a while and I haven't been able to access it to update it. I said I'd turned over a new leaf, and I really had. All gung-ho about updating everyday and then suddenly the site collapsed. Then when it was finally up and running, I forgot my password so I couldn't log in. Once I remembered my password, I raced home to update the blog and just as I sat down to write my latest update, a Russian spy plane crashed through my apartment window and smashed my mac. THANKFULLY no one was hurt. And nothing was damaged in my place except for the computer.

Are you a simple white liar or a dramatic, over-compensating, ridiculous one? I'm the latter unfortunately. The weird thing about my kind is that we know that we should stick to simple stories, but we can't help it. The minute we're faced with the prospect of telling a white lie, we go for it. I can't take the morning off work because I just have a cold. It always turns out a little something like this:

*Sick voice, no sorry, dying voice. Ok more like a whimper with moans intermittently dispersed*

"Hi, it's me. I'm really, really, really, really sorry, I can't come in today. I mean I can barely breathe let alone leave the house. I went to bed early last night. Actually it was more like the afternoon. I went to bed as soon as I got home at 5:30pm. I slept through until 12:20am when I woke up with a fever of 58C. I was so sick I couldn't go to the hospital. My friend rang the hospital and they said I was so hot that I should definitely not go to the hospital because my body heat might burn the place down." *cough, cough, cough to the point of wretching*

"So anyway, I tried to go back to sleep, but I was washed out of the bed with the tide caused by my waves of sweat. I passed out and woke up 3 hours later, covered in blood from where a bobcat broke into my apartment and maimed me while I was in my vulnerable, unconscious state. I crawled around for half an hour looking for my left hand, before I finally ended up passing out on the couch. I woke up this morning and I feel a lot better, but unfortunately I'm too tired to come into work."

"Ok. You rest up and feel better tomorrow. And there are no bobcats in Taipei. So I don't know what it was that attacked you.

"Thanks a lot. I'll look into that. I'll see you tomorrow."

I was too busy to write my blog ;)

Holler.
xx

Happy Monday

Yet another weekend has whirled into oblivion, and another crackin' week full of opportunities to make fun has arisen. HOLLER! 

So I have but a few weekend winners. I was disdainfully surrounded by all sorts of tedious situations over the weekend, all of which gave me some good giggles later. I had obviously been branded with the "please state the obvious at her" stamp yet again, which made for some infuriating situations. Like sands through the hour glass...without further adieu...

*******************WEEKEND WINNERS*****************************

1. The local acquaintance we had lunch with yesterday who ever so kindly translated the English menu for us...into English! We are foreigners...we aren't ILLITERATE!!! Weekend Winner! 

2. The girl who fell asleep across the aisle on the bus. I'm sorry, but you were a Weekend Winner until I had to brush my bum past your face to get to my seat. Weekend Loser.

3. Mother Nature for suddenly cranking the heating down 10 degrees. It's cold!!! Weekend Winner! 

4. The three men in the kitchen in the Indian restaurant yesterday for making the world's most awkward lunch even more awkward by staring through the window at my girlfriend and I for approximately 45 minutes while we ate lunch. You guys didn't even blink. And I'm sure you've seen some Westerners before. Weekend Winners. 

That's about all I got for this week for the Weekend Winners. I guess everyone was on their best behavior all over the island. 

To compensate for my lack of Weekend Winners, I have a couple of excellent quotes (well I think they're excellent anyway, but let's face it, I'm not the best judge). They weren't all said by me, either ;) Also, excuse the sensitive nature of one of the quotes. I think we should all be able to talk about this topic, but if you're not into reading a quote from a (*whispers* gynaecologist) then skip number 2.

1. *Looking at girl walking into doctor's surgery* "Gee, nice skirt. It's so daunting walking into this clinic, isn't it?" (Unfortunately this one was me, and I wasn't trying to be funny, and I did feel everyone staring at me as I walked through the door before I sat down upon the throne of judgement).

2. "This isn't the most pleasant procedure, but there's also worse...like...(mutters under breath)...oh no that probably isn't as bad...but there are worse ones...now let's get on with it" (Hahahhahahahahha what a legend! I love that woman, but I still think we could have gotten to know each other a bit more, first).

3. "It is important to protect people from unjust discrimination but it is ridiculous to claim discrimination every time we show a preference for some people over others." Archbishop George Pell. Wow! I've already massacred the quote all over Facebook, but REALLY what was he thinking?! I'll bet he's a champion of the "I'm not racist but..." school of thought! Out of control! 

4. "Can you please stop talking." My boss and many other people. Usually aimed at me. Harsh but fair. 

Have an awesome week. If you're in Taiwan, try to stick to the sane ex-pats or the others might rub off on ya. If you're in Oz, keep it warm for me - I'll be back soon baby! If you're anywhere else in the world, keep it real! 

Until next time. Adios amigos y amigas! 

xxxxxx

Loves and Hates of the Week to Date

Hola muchachas/muchachos and everyone still undecided,

Presenting to you Loves and Hates of the Week to Date!

Loves

- All the emails and comments I got about my Tuesday morning blogpost. Gracias! (Especially my mum and dad)
- The beautiful weather Taipei is flaunting this week.
- That I have proper calluses on my fingers now so that every time I play the guitar my fingers aren’t paralysed for a week after.
- Birthday broccoli.
- My landlady who sees no sense of urgency when it comes to floods. How would she handle other disasters in her house?
- The fact I left the stove on the kettle for a whole afternoon on Monday and my apartment didn’t burn to the ground.
- Franklin and Roosevelt, the rescued turtles living on my rooftop. You guys are so cute and cool. - The restaurant woman for putting a bit of beef in my vegetarian soup. “It’s OK for vegetarians to eat a bit of meat.” I must have accidentally given her power-of-attorney over my vegetarian diet. My bad.
- That time I sprayed water out of my nose in the office kitchen. Classy. Graceful. Professional. All at the same time!


Hates

- The wild sex parties that the local stray cats are having every night in my lane. Waking up to cat mating calls every night is not ideal.
- My neighbors, I haven’t seen them for ages, I’m not even sure if they still live in the building, but it’s still an ongoing feeling.
- The fact that everywhere I go people tell me that my black toenail looks dirty.
- That I’ve gradually turned my whole wardrobe pink by repeatedly putting the same red shirt in with all my lights and whites.
- People shouting, “Hello, how are you?” off their motorcycles when I walk to work. This place is teeming in foreigners, I can’t believe the novelty hasn’t worn off yet.
- The fact I have the messiest desk in my entire company.
- My brain.

That just about concludes it for this week! Stay tuned for my new format. I’ll be kickin’ off tomorrow with my first edition of Stop Press! I’ll be reviewing an issue from either the local media or the international media depending on what happens in the next 24 hours.

Adios amigas/amigos and those sitting on the fence.

xx

The Taiwan Weekly

*****HOT OFF THE PRESS*****

I have no idea why but The Taiwan Weekly has been released early. Here is the main article for this week's edition. 

大安區 (Daan Area) Foreign Resident In Tone Uproar

Wednesday 0ctober 28th, 2009

In an unprecedented incident, Daan foreign resident, Mika Bertram, humiliated himself and scores of other people by using the wrong tone while ordering his lunch. The incident happened today at around 1:32pm after Mika approached a typical local noodle stand and made his request. Unfortunately while specifying his dietary requirements, he came unstuck and left the queue of customers and the staff all red-faced and unsure of where to look. 

"I just wanted to let the man know that I'm a vegetarian. I had no intention of offending everyone. I usually get my tones perfect. I just can't believe that no one put two and two together and helped me. The woman behind me even pinched her nose in disgust as if I suddenly smelled too," a visibly shaken Mr Bertram told our reporter. 

"He just went for it. I had no idea he was just going to dive in there and say it, otherwise I could have helped him. I don't know what he's going to do from here, he lives in the area, man he won't bounce back from this. I mean, he just walked straight up to the counter, with his head held high, shoulders back and said, 'I want to eat poo,' reported eyewitness Huang Lin-Chen, his friend and classmate at the local university. 

It took a lot of convincing to get the noodle shop owner Wang Chien-An to speak to us, but eventually he agreed to make a comment. "It's bad for business, bad for the community, and most importantly bad for international relations. Who says they want to eat poo in this day and age? I don't believe the young man for a second when he says he got his tones confused. The tones are the easiest part of the language!" 

According to Mr. Bertram, the most perplexing part of the incident was the fact that no one came to his defense and no one could work out that he was trying to say he was a vegetarian rather than he had a desire to eat faeces. 

"Everyone sort of clutched their stomaches and looked at me with these pained expressions on their faces. I've never been so embarrassed in all of my life. I went straight to my apartment and booked a ticket back home. I'm hoping I can transfer my credit points from the university and everything."

Asked if he'd learned anything from the incident, Mr. Bertram replied, "No, I'm still not sure what the correct tone is."  

By: Lipsty 

Movin' On Up

Hello Lovers,

Thank you for all the positive feedback about my last post. I’m glad to hear that everyone else feels the need for love and unity rather than hatred and segregation. Let’s keep spreading the messages!

But now, back by popular demand, I present to you the Weekend Winners.

- Far-far the waiter for kindly acknowledging my girlfriend’s birthday at his restaurant with…drum roll please…keep the drums rolling…and for a bit longer, this needs a worthy introduction…FREE BIRTHDAY BROCCOLI! That’s right, you heard it here first. Far-far went Far-far beyond the call of duty to make this birthday a special one. After watching the staff embarrass another Birthday Bandit on Saturday night I mentioned my girlfriend’s birthday with this enthusiastic response, “Great, no problem, I’ll write it down and there’ll be a birthday special for you.” Little did we know just how special it would be. We were presented with a massive side order of broccoli, all for FREE! Special - indeed, unconventional - most definitely, unnecessary - totally. Next time I’m stuck on a birthday surprise for a friend, I’ll throw a super-food their way.

- As mentioned in the last post, the local religious groups for taking time out of the Lord’s day to spread messages of hate and persecution. May you all one day need help, only to notice that there’s no one else around other than the whole cast of Homos: The Musical.

- The small group of people who got together near Taipei 101 to take the 350 photo to raise awareness for Climate Change. A much worthier cause! Nice work.

- The singing group from Melbourne who we met on Sunday night, thanks for keeping my homesickness at bay for a bit longer with your very Aussie humour.

- The turtles we rescued from the inhumanely small tank in my girlfriend’s school, Franklin and Roosevelt. They adapted quickly to their new environment and have been providing hours of entertainment as they basically move from the water to the rock then back to the water. I wonder how much longer our fascination will last? They must think we are idiots!

Mid-Week Winners
- All you awesome people who sent me positive feedback on my blog and on my Facebook page about my last entry. Thanks again.

- Hands On Disaster Response – my favorite NGO, they have set up a new project in Indonesia. They’re awesome, they’re honest, and they’re effecting change all over the world. Check them out. www.hodr.org

- The man who gave me a huge smile on my way to work this morning and VERY luckily caught his dentures just before they hit the ground. Thanks for the Morning Blues' giggle.

I don't really have any Mid-week Munters this week! I'm very glad to report it. My previous blog was wnough said I think!

On that note, back to the grind!

Keep smilin’, keep laughin' and most importantly keep lovin’.

xx

Letter To The Editor

Weekend Winners will be back with a vengeance and tied in with Mid-week Munters tomorrow! This is a letter that I would love to write to an editor somewhere hahha. But actually, it's futile so there's no point! So I hope you don't mind reading a more serious post on The Way It Is.

Taipei Gay Pride Parade is coming up this weekend and I wasn't shocked to hear that a number of Christian denominations had banded together on Sunday to protest against gays. What exactly does it mean to protest against gays? This is how it was phrased in the local press and I am so curious to know how to protest against a group of people. I suppose it means that they were protesting the mere existence of gays. 

I still fail to understand how in a world like ours, where horrific crimes are committed on a daily basis, (people are murdered, people go missing, children are abused and abandoned, countries are bombed by other countries...the list goes on) we can still have groups banding together to complain about gays. 

OK, sequins were so 1985, those of us with lithpth wish we didn't have them while others are putting them on, and sometimes we're all up half the night trying to work out the gender of the person who pumped our petrol in the morning BUT WHO CARES? Seriously, how does it affect anyone else who one chooses to love? 

On the weekend I was talking to my girlfriend about how sometimes I purposely avoid the subject with people to spare the awkwardness and to avoid making them feel uncomfortable, but the thing is that it's my life and they don't reserve the right to feel uncomfortable about what I do in my free time or who I choose to be with. 

If a person can be wholly defined by their sexuality then they don't have much substance to them. If sexuality was all there was to a person maybe it would make more sense marginalising people. But all my straight friends, my gay friends, and my bisexual friends, are more to me than walking representations of sexuality. In fact, their sexualities really have no bearing on our relationships at all. And why should they? 

The thing I find most ironic about these protests denouncing anyone who isn't a heterosexual is that for some reason, in my experience, I have dealt with huge numbers of homosexual people in community development contexts. I'm sure I'm not alone in making this sweeping generalisation, but the community sector is powered by people of all different sexual orientations (and a large amount of them aren't heterosexual). I've never heard any of my friends refuse to help a drug user in their support center because they're straight, not one of my friends has turned away a teenage runaway because they're straight, none of them have refused a straight person sexual health advice. Simply, because they don't care. Sexuality is such a small piece of the puzzle that makes us human. 

Why can't people learn to put their time and money to better use. Why waste time marching around complaining about gay people when there are more productive things to be done? Protest about the murderer who is being released after 5 years in jail, protest about the corporations releasing pollutants into our waterways and our air, protest about taxes being increased. Whatever, but leave the feather-boa wearing boys and the tuxedo wearing girls out of it. 

After all of these years of hearing people complain about gays I've reached the conclusion that it just comes down to jealousy. No one can throw a party like the gays. 

xx

Weekend Winners

Everyone's a winner in one way or another, but this weekend I got to choose a few Weekend Winners who really stood out from the crowd with their outstanding performances. In the spirit of my love of lists, here goes, and while you're reading it be sure to give each Weekend Winner a small round of applause:

1. The little girl in the park feeding hot dogs to the turtles. A career in animal nutrition is blatantly on the cards. WEEKEND WINNER!
2. The man walking through the park vomiting up his lunch without breaking step. WEEKEND WINNER! (please note that the name of the said park is the Peace Park - who said vomiting can't be peaceful?)
3. The turtles in the park (powered by hot dogs) for breaking through the wooden barrier between them and some succulent water plants, then leap frogging over the top of each other to try to get in to munch on the delights within. WEEKEND WINNERS!
4. My student for standing me up, therefore allowing me to witness the aforementioned festivities in the park. WEEKEND WINNER!
5. The woman in Starbucks for asking me how I'm from Australia, yet not black. WEEKEND WINNER! Maybe this prize should go to the geography and social studies department of her school instead?

Although I'm sure there were many more WEEKEND WINNERS all over the world, these are the ones that caught my eye. Stayed tuned for the weekly list coming at ya each Monday.

Let me know if you caught wind of anyone worthy of a WEEKEND WINNER accolade.

This week is sponsored by the POR FAVOR song by Emily Menuzo and The Chismoso. So to quote the famous band, "No mas trabajando por favor, mas cerveza por favor."

Have a crackin' week.

xxx

Loves of Friday

In my new Loves and Hates of the week to date section I was delighted to note these two points:

The fact that no-one pointed out when I slipped into the third person while mentioning tripping over the manhole cover repeatedly.

AND

The fact no one mentioned that I wrote "talk" to an Indian restaurant! I'm going to have a crack at it over the weekend but I suspect it would be more productive to WALK to an Indian restaurant.

AND I know for a fact that some of you read the blog! So I'm thanking you for being forgiving and generous in not pointing out my shortcomings. Which leads me to my next point:

I decided this week to make amends with a couple of friends that I had misunderstandings with. Eekk. I'd love to say it went well, but now I realise why other people never bother trying to bury the hatchet and get on with things! Forgiveness is a dish best served... not at all apparently.

Still, I haven't lost faith in the process! One of these days we'll all get better at it! I check out the news everyday and think it's so funny what we all bang on about all day. Maybe someone should start Perspective Camps in the Middle East or something?! Similar to those Boot Camps they send naughty kids to in the U.S. Hey maybe I just came up with a business plan right there!

Maybe the problem is that our structures are sounder these days, so the bases of bridges are far stronger meaning that water can't really pass under the bridge as much anymore? Who's to say in this crazy mixed up world!

Anyway, life's too short eh?! Too short to hold grudges, and too short to keep trying when you're the only one trying. Gotta use some of that time to put your love into something more receptive! Like changing the world!

Keep giggling.

Two of my favorite quotes:

"Life's too important to take seriously." Oscar Wilde
And something about remembering to be kind to everyone because everyone is facing their own private struggle. HAHHAHAHAHAHHA clearly one of my favorites since I don't know how it goes and I also don't know who said it.

Word!

Have a crackin' weekend my friends. Be kind to each other! Be forgiving! And make someone laugh so hard that tears run down their cheeks this weekend.

Lipsty

xxxx

Wednesday. Bloody. Wednesday.

I have been busy today. I have been proofreading test papers for English proficiency. "I want your life, I want your life," I can hear the cries coming from the back row. I would like to adopt the format of the tests I have been proofreading all day to ask a pointless question.

1. What did Lipsty do today?

a. Proofread loads of English proficiency tests.
b. Laugh so hard at her own joke that she cried (while crickets chirped in the background).
c. Pretended to hit the 'delete' key every time she walked past the graphic designer's desk.
d. Opened the toilet door on someone's face.
e. All of the above.

If you answered 'all of the above,' you win nothing aside from the knowledge that you got the answer right. But congratulations nonetheless.

So I'm keeping it short n' sweet as I got places to be, people to talk English at. So here goes: Loves and Hates of the Week to Date. My new favorite section of 'The Way It Is'.

Loves

- Red bean soup
- Tomato soup
- The revival of the 'Employee of the Month' badge that I made myself and give to myself in a ceremony at work at the end of each month.
- My private students repeatedly changing our class times.
- My dentist for swiftly and painlessly removing the largest wisdom tooth in the world. (It looked like one of the sides of Stonehenge).
- Bombarding my Facebook wall with silly news items.
- Governing forces bombing celestial bodies and all of the people that say, "It's cool, they've done it loads of times in the past they just never mentioned it before".
- The podcast I downloaded to my ipod about Green Living. Particularly the woman who is a "leader in U.S. green living programs "who referred to herself as a vegetarian and then littered her interview with references to the exceptional occasions in which she enjoys a bit of fish or chicken. I'm a vegetarian but...I'm also a tool?! Despite not being a preaching style vegetarian I do think it's best to steer clear of the label if you enjoy munching on any kind of food that used to have a soul.
- My black toenail.
- My red t-shirt which picks and chooses when to release its dye onto my unsuspecting whites.
- My inability to separate said red t-shirt from my unsuspecting whites.
- The fact she tripped over the exact same manhole cover three times this week.
- The snooze button.
- Y-front undies. Not on me, but they never fail to give me a chuckle.

Hates

- Governing bodies bombing celestial bodies...see point above and note the sarcasm yet again.
- Her neighbours. They havent' done anything new, it's just an ongoing feeling :)
- The fact she keeps forgetting to get a new tyre put on the scooter.
- Her alarm clock.
- When she forgets to boil and filter water and is really thirsty.
- Being addicted to Bejewelled.
- When I accidentally snort when I'm laughing.
- When I'm too lazy to talk to an Indian restaurant but I really want a curry.

I think that does it for this Wednesday. Stay tuned for the weekly report!!! Feel free to let me know what your loves and hates are for the week to date!

Holler!

xxxxx

For An A$$hole, I'm Really Quite Considerate

I'd like to say I've been giving it some thought, but that would be lying. Actually, while sitting here staring into space, a thought popped into my head. Whenever I've got a complaint, I generally reach for The Way It Is to update the World's Number 1 Sporadic Blog. On closer inspection, I think I have come to the root of this. 

It all began about five years back when I started to get a bit more experimental with my small talk with strangers. It went from a quick "hello" to more of a "hi, how's it going?" kind of affair. From there I got out of control and would sometimes mix things up by responding to "how are you today?" with "I can't complain thanks". I remember clearly when my reality came unstuck, it was probably the third time I'd used my new "I can't complain thanks" line when the lovely gentleman at the service station I frequented said "well if we did complain no one would listen anyway". I thought to myself "shit! Is that really true? No one listens? Well what the hell am I going to do now?" So to cut to the chase, I guess five years down the track, The Way It Is has finally filled that void. 

Now, don't get me wrong, the man's comment didn't stop me from complaining, but I felt a bit guilty if I even had the slightest hint of a feeling that the person was listening. They probably didn't want to be. They probably didn't realise that it was now kosher to ignore complainers. Now you see I can complain at will, and you my dear readers (ahem, reader - you know who you are) can simply click on that little cross and be done away with the rant whenever you want, plus you have the added bonus of not having to here me splutter and lisp it out at you, you can imagine me reading this in whatever pleasant voice you desire. Nothing kinky please. 

Before I bid you adieu for the evening, here's a little gripe of mine - see another complaint - but I actually find this amusing. I find it hilarious when people start their sentences with "I don't know about you..." or "I don't know about in your family..." or "I've never been to Australia so I don't know about there but..." Of course you bloody well don't know! 1) You're not psychic 2) You're not in my family 3) You've already said you've never been to Australia so how the hell would you know what goes on Down There? And trust me, you don't want to know! What I love the most about my rage at this, is that I catch myself saying it ALL the time! Hypocrisy! A gift from Pandora's Box no doubt! 

I don't know about you, but I'm tired. Off for a sleep now. 

I don't have an Oprah quote off the top of my head, but think of something nice yourself and she has probably said it at one point or another. 

Rock Squared! 

xx

Toenail

For those of you (no-one) who have expressed concern about my right big toenail (see A Long Walk to Anchorage post on August 10), it is all black now, and very ugly. Thanks for asking. 

I've Been Abducted...

Haven't really! BUT it was a good lead into my upcoming point about this blog. Should you ever notice that this blog has started to be updated regularly, you can rest assured something bad has happened to me and someone has taken it over. If you ever suspect this has happened, please contact the relevant authorities (vague - I know, because I'm not sure who they are) and get them to start hunting. 

So, news from this side of the planet? Not a lot. My chest infection has everyone crying H1N1 - God bless the media. The good thing about the hysteria that the media has created is that now you can get 10x the amount of sympathy for your pathetic ailments, or double your money back. I like that. Not one person has laughed at me or called me a wimp since I came down with this weak little chest infection. Instead I hear whisperings of, "it could have been swine flu," "she's lucky it wasn't H1N1," "next time she might not be so lucky." All of these murmurs, of course, accompanied with a motherly shake of the head and a Bold and the Beautiful-esque shake of the head while looking in my direction. This cold was worth contracting! 

In other news, is it just me or do other people lose track of their friendship/enemy statuses with people they knew a long time ago but don't anymore? Let me explain this in a clearer way. A few years ago I was visiting home (from Taiwan) when I saw an old friend of mine from college, so I gave him a big wave and a smile, only to have him turn on his heel and walk away. It was at that exact moment that I remembered, we were never friends! Nor were we enemies, but the simple fact was that we just didn't know each other. So, it was likely one of those situations where he turned away thinking I was probably waving to someone behind him.

A more recent example happened just yesterday on Facebook (hot off the press, you heard it here first). I saw an old friend on a mutual friend's wall, so I busted them a message just seeing how things were going. From the curt response I received, the memories all came flooding back that something (which has obviously slipped my memory) happened, and we drifted with the hate obviously not coming from my side (can't imagine what I could have done hehhe). Anyway, my first thought was "what happened to time healing all wounds?" With my second thought being about the nature of my crimes. Anyway, it's funny. We live in some unforgiving times! I mean, that happened about 5 years ago, I was still a kid. I'm sure whatever I did or said wouldn't happen this days (whoops - that's assuming I have grown up, which we all know is not true). Having said that, I hold onto grudges like I hold onto my wallet when I walk through the streets of Rio. (I have only walked through the streets of Rio a couple of times, two years ago - however I'm stoked by the simile). But some people deserve to have grudges held against them. Like when their whole personality is a mistake, rather than the occasionally poorly judged quip being a mistake. 

Whole other ball game. Anyway, I think from now on I'm going to lie in wait for contact from the outside world, rather than forcing myself onto people that managed to evade me for lengthy amounts of time. 

Now, my only reader/fan, who mind you coaxed me into writing this - you know who you are. Says she had saved up her own Oprah quote. So I am going to leave this post quoteless, then I'm going to find out what her quote is and post it very soon at the end of another new message. Don't call the authorities if you see a post in quick succession with this one - that will be me! 

Until next time, stay strong and artificial and if you see someone coughing, be sure to make some loud, rude comments about H1N1 and how they should be at home rather than infecting the masses. 

xx

The Time Traveller's Girlfriend

I travelled through time this morning. It could have been far more exciting, but I travelled forward at the same speed as everyone else. While it felt faster at certain points, when I arrived at work I realised it was 8:16am and I'd left the house at 8:00am. If my calculations are correct, this means that it took me 16 minutes to get to work, which is the same as most days.

Time travel isn't always everything it's cracked up to be.

'My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.' - Oprah Winfrey

Thank you for the quote, you know who you are! xx

A Long Walk To Anchorage

Holler! 

Yes. Here I am. Ready to contribute to the world's leading half-assed and sporadic blog. Well, shoot me for being busy! Between a fleeting visit to Australia to gatecrash my dad's 60th, a mega, super typhoon on my second day back in Taiwan, showing Tegan and Sara around Miami, parking my 125CC scooter on my right big toenail and launching my solo career, there hasn't been much time for blogging. Oh and work hasn't exactly been understanding when it's come to giving me leave to hit the studio and rock out. Maybe I shouldn't have told them all that I started my guitar lessons a month ago? Nah! 

So, let's start with the fleeting trip to Australia. T'was glorious! Not much more to say about that really. Crackin' time, evened out the ratio of alcohol in Australia to that in Taiwan, we're tipping the balance again! I took one for the team by spending 6 minutes and 35 seconds of my trip sober. 

As for the typhoon, well we have definitely done something to enrage Mother Nature. While we all rejoiced at the chance for a day off work, we were hoping the long weekend would be granted without all the destruction that occasionally comes with the beasts. Many thoughts are with all the families affected. 

On a lighter note, despite the fact I showed Tegan and Sara around Miami, while I was sleeping (and in Taiwan, while they were in Canada). It really took it out of me. I felt jet lagged the next day after all that shopping. I'm still not sure if it's socially acceptable to include the events of a dream in the events of one's life, but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

I'm gutted to report that the next incident is factual and unfortunately wasn't contained to a dream as it should have been. The parking of the scooter on the big toenail did in fact happen. I'm trying to be positive about it, though. It served as an important function in community relations by further alienating me from my neighbours. Why is it that all the people that have restaurants below my block of flats can't speak a word of English but know the "F" bomb? 

...hmmm...on further thought, it might be the same reason that I know how to say it in approximately 20 languages. Well the world is a multicultural place and I guess if you can't get your point across any other way the "F" bomb comes in handy, even if it doesn't even start with "F" in the chosen language. 

Anyway, the much coveted Community Member of the Year trophy has slipped from my grasp yet again. I'll have to go for the Vagrant of the Year instead. Shouldn't be too hard! So, back on track, toenail is blue, still in tact however, which is a god send since it's just grown back. Who said I'm accident prone? Shut up! 

So as for my solo career. I'm spreading my wings and soaring. I might even have the debut album out earlier than first though. Prediction at press time is that it might be ready by January 15th of 2014! You heard it here first. I've got a mean G-chord on me now (and I'm not talking about my underwear). 

Stay tuned for sneak previews of the hottest album of 2014! 

Who's got a good quote from Oprah? Or at least something from her Book Club? What a gem! Rock out, y'all! Holler! 

xx

P.S Not sure what the blog title means. Any suggestions would mean a lot to me! ;) 

Album Release Announcement

************URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT********YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST************

For anyone who has read my blog in the past (people keep threatening to, but I'm not sure if they've been brave enough to follow through with it), you'll know I've been learning guitar. Well, basically, I've learnt all the chords and a few scales. Soooooo...it is without further adieu that I announce: 

A Fine Line Between Snores and Farts. 

Kirsty Webeck's first folk album. 

So basically, here's the story, I'm going to need lessons for about 5 or 6 years before I can write or record anything. So I just wanted to let the world know that I'm ready for the challenge, I've thought of the album's name and I've got a goal that I'm striving toward in leaps and bounds. At the moment I think the release date will be around September 3, 2014, but I'll keep the schedule up-to-date via this blog. 

Later in the week I'll be posting the lyrics to my first mega-hit just so you can get to know them before the album hits the charts. 

Thanks for all your support guys. I really appreciate it. 

xx

Amendments

With a view to fooling the world into thinking that anyone reads my blog, I have removed the 'followers' section. This way I can tell people that I'm taking a few days off work to reply to all the mail I've received from the thousands of followers who read my blog and would probably die without it. 

There is no need to display one's significant lack of readership. The good thing is that I am my biggest fan. I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes I can make myself cry with laughter. I know I probably shouldn't be admitting to that, but it's not an ego thing. I'm fully aware that half (or more) of the things I say, don't make sense, certainly aren't funny and send people off looking puzzled, often shepherding their children away from me with gentle whispers reassuring them that they'll never have to meet me again. 

I'm not a stranger to being introduced to people with stern looks warning me not to say something too ridiculous. You know, that gritted teeth utterance of one's name, while (to the untrained eye) gently resting one's hand on the potential screw-up's shoulder, all the while the finger tips are burrowing a hole into the shoulder. That kinda thing! 

Anyway, I've covered a lot of ground since the original thought of taking down my 'followers' list. It was a bit bleak, a bit grim, the kind of thing that you think you must have checked the wrong box for:

Would you like your blog to kick you in the teeth and remind you everytime you log on that you're a loser? Check the box below to activate this feature.

On that note, I'm going to go find that check box and uncheck it. I've recently started writing proverbs too, so I can leave some of my wisdom on this Earth for everyone. 

The sitting duck and the cicada both reached for the same cob loaf. The baker tilted his silly hat and all the darkness in the world was left whispering through the willows like that weird sound you make when you're trying to scratch the back of your throat...with your throat. 

Lipsty 16/7/2009 - I trust that I don't need to explain this. 

Besos.

Lipsty 

The Taiwan Weekly

Motorcyle Hidden By Layers of Bird Faeces.

A Shida resident awoke early on Thursday morning to discover a large, white mound in place of her motorcycle. Upon closer inspection, the worried resident realised that the white mound was in fact her motorcycle covered in faecal matter from some kind of avian species. In a country that has in the past held grave fears about bird flu, it would seem that an even bigger threat today is bird poo (although rhyming with bird flu, it is a completely different threat).

Ms. Wang parked her motorcycle in the alley at around 9:30pm on Wednesday night. Unbeknownst to her, she was making the fateful error of parking under one of the few trees in the neighbourhood. Ms. Wang has indicated that if she could turn back time she never would have made this decision (and she'd take back those words that hurt you, and you'd say... - or is that from the Cher song?).

"I just took it for granted that there was a parking space free, in such a busy part of the city I seized the opportunity and parked there. Now I know why the space was vacant," a teary Ms. Wang explained while digging through the pile with a packet of wet wipes.

Thankfully for Ms. Wang litigation is alive and well in Taiwan and she will be pursuing the matter with local authorities. She is currently seeking legal advice from Lee, Chen and the Money Grabbing Associates about how to go about suing the local council. In addition, she will sue the national government for outlawing bird hunting in the city, and she will also seek damages from the birds themselves. She is also pursuing avenues to sue the local restaurant owners who covered their mouths and giggled uncontrollably throughout her ordeal, while pointing her hidden motorcycle out to passersby. For now, all of us at the Taiwan Weekly wish Ms. Wang all the best in her endeavours to uncover the rest of her motorcycle.

By: Lipsty

Humble Pie

To My Sister,

I am sorry for saying you have ginger hair on your Facebook page. You don't have ginger hair. Most people can see you don't have ginger hair and I hope you don't have any 'friends' on your Facebook account that don't know you well enough to know that you DON'T (I repeat, DON'T) have ginger hair.

If anyone ever says you have ginger hair I will personally write you a reference saying you DON'T have ginger hair. Again, I'm sorry for the confusion. Your hair is very NOT ginger.

Thanks in advance for accepting this apology.

Love,
Lipsty

Reverse Sigh-kology

Holler! I'm guessing that to successfully undertake reverse psychology on yourself you have to have a certain level of intellect. This is clearly a level that I've not reached yet. 

Example A: Recently, I have realised that my fear of cockroaches has spiralled out of control. This dawned on me numerous times, but especially when my hair fell on my face and I thought it was a cockroach so smashed myself in the side of the face with my mobile phone, leaving a bruise on my cheekbone. I thought, something has got to give. So I tricked myself (a little more so than I care to admit). I decided to try to think of cockroaches around my garden as pets, and to let them be and try to adjust my feelings  toward them rather than adjusting their life spans. 

Result: I realised I'm a pet killer. Despite their new status as 'pet,' I was still mauling them with gallons of cockroach spray. 

Side effect of the result: Feelings of sadness knowing I'm a pet killer. Who knows when I'll stop? I'm scared to walk past the park in case I suddenly decide to kill the neighbours golden retriever. 

Lesson for the general public: Don't ask me to pet sit when you go on holidays unless you want to come back to find Fluffy and Wiggles lifeless and stuck to the ground covered in white spray.

I'm really not very good at this stuff at all. It can go either way, I feel ridiculous because I know I'm tricking myself, or I trick myself really well, forget I'm tricking myself, let myself down and then feel like a failure...then ages down the track I remember I was tricking myself and have to deal with the effects of mixed feelings - pride that I tricked myself so well, and fright that even I can trick myself so well. 

When will it end? Hasta la vista cockroaches, thanks for making me realise I'm a sigh-ko! 

I wonder if Oprah kills cockroaches? I wonder MORE why there are so bloody many cockroaches in Taiwan. I wonder EVEN MORE why the hell I'm still here with all the little stinkers! 

Who's to say in this crazy, mixed up world. 

Love to you and your pets! 

xxxx 

 

Public Displays of Affliction

Holler! What is it about hobbies that make them so attractive? I'm one of those people that come up with a new hobby every other day, some of them more wholeheartedly than others. I guess this blog in itself could be thought of as a hobby. Obviously a rather sporadic one, but a hobby nonetheless. I admire people that can do something on a super regular basis. However, right now I'm hiding behind this lame excuse that I blog in waves because 'it's my style'. Let me carry on thinking that.

As I'm typing about hobbies, I am feeling the numb effects on my fingertips of my latest 'hobby'. I'm learning the guitar. Ouch! It hurts for the first few weeks hey! I took up the guitar as a direct response to the stresses of changing jobs and moving house.

Speaking of which, my house is awesome, however it came at a great price. The tenant before me obviously hadn't been taught too much about keeping a clean house or taking out trash. As a result, 1.5 years worth of beer and wine bottles and pizza boxes were very strategically placed all throughout a one bedroom apartment and its garden. Awesome! The only redeeming thing in this situation was that it afforded me the opportunity to witness some of the most bizarre human behaviour I've witnessed to date. Examples include, but are not limited, to the following:

1) The downstairs neighbour complaining that the noise from the front door of the apartment (the sharehouse I was living in before moving upstairs) was too loud, so kindly doused the whole thing in peanut oil. Not the hinges of course, but the other end of the door. Is the door quieter? No. Do all of the occupants of that house have sticky hands all the time? Yes.

2) The painters took the liberty of having a nap on my bed. Yup, all three of them, snug as a bug in a rug. On my bed. When they didn't respond to my 'evil eye' I realised it was best to leave them there.

3) The aforementioned downstairs neighbour biding her time, then seizing the chance to run through the front door in the sharehouse, through to the back of the apartment, around onto the balcony, in what could only be described as rat-like stealth, to start furtively working away in the corner of the balcony. When approached by a rather irate yours truly, she went on a rant in Chinese about how she was helping us for free and no one takes care of the building but she is doing it all for free, hero this, hero that, shut up lady, get out of my house lady. Wild, nosy woman on the third floor!

4) The sliding door man was supposed to come to replace the fly screen doors (said ex-tenant/animal ripped a hole in them for his cats to pass through/shed their fur all over). He called me at 10am on Saturday morning to tell me to get down to the 7-11 two blocks away and help him get the doors upstairs. One can imagine what I told him to do with his doors. I was paying a decent amount of money to have him do the work, he was happy to walk away. Weird!
As a result, the joke of the month continues, "the last tenant left his cat here, there it is, coming out of the hole in the fly screen." What can I say? I'm not removing the filthy hairball from the door. Judging by the way he lived up here, it may even be his own fur.

5) The garbage woman came bright and early on Sunday morning to clear more of the debris that was left behind. After giving her careful instructions, I stumbled back to bed. About 15 minutes later I suddenly woke up and decided to check on her, just in time to see her murdering my aloe vera plant in what can only be described as a frenzied attack. After confiscating them, a bit of CPR and some repotting I am pleased to report that they are all doing fine, however, I have been woken during the night to hear them crying out with nightmares of 'the incident'.

So, like I said, these are but a few examples of the tyranny I faced while trying to get this place back to a reasonable condition! Tough crowd.

In all of these people's defense, they have given me something to write about, not to mention the phobia of Taiwanese tradespeople. Just kidding, this is just a small sample ;)

Anyway, here's a quick acrostic poem (no Tuesday is complete with out one) before I choose one of my hobbies to hoe into before I say my prayers to Oprah and hit the hay.


Excuse me, how gross.
Xylophones could clean better than you.

Truly, what a shambles.
Ech, I feel sick, sick, sick.
Nothing seems to clean off the scum.
Arrrghhhhhhh so yucky.
No, thanks. I won't accept your apology.
Thanks for nothing, wanker.

Heartfelt, emotional and full of raw feelings. That, dear readers, is a window into the pain I am feeling right now.

Until next time, don't cast the first stone unless you're in a glass house.

Lipsty
xx