Loves and Hates of the Week to Date

Hola muchachas/muchachos and everyone still undecided,

Presenting to you Loves and Hates of the Week to Date!

Loves

- All the emails and comments I got about my Tuesday morning blogpost. Gracias! (Especially my mum and dad)
- The beautiful weather Taipei is flaunting this week.
- That I have proper calluses on my fingers now so that every time I play the guitar my fingers aren’t paralysed for a week after.
- Birthday broccoli.
- My landlady who sees no sense of urgency when it comes to floods. How would she handle other disasters in her house?
- The fact I left the stove on the kettle for a whole afternoon on Monday and my apartment didn’t burn to the ground.
- Franklin and Roosevelt, the rescued turtles living on my rooftop. You guys are so cute and cool. - The restaurant woman for putting a bit of beef in my vegetarian soup. “It’s OK for vegetarians to eat a bit of meat.” I must have accidentally given her power-of-attorney over my vegetarian diet. My bad.
- That time I sprayed water out of my nose in the office kitchen. Classy. Graceful. Professional. All at the same time!


Hates

- The wild sex parties that the local stray cats are having every night in my lane. Waking up to cat mating calls every night is not ideal.
- My neighbors, I haven’t seen them for ages, I’m not even sure if they still live in the building, but it’s still an ongoing feeling.
- The fact that everywhere I go people tell me that my black toenail looks dirty.
- That I’ve gradually turned my whole wardrobe pink by repeatedly putting the same red shirt in with all my lights and whites.
- People shouting, “Hello, how are you?” off their motorcycles when I walk to work. This place is teeming in foreigners, I can’t believe the novelty hasn’t worn off yet.
- The fact I have the messiest desk in my entire company.
- My brain.

That just about concludes it for this week! Stay tuned for my new format. I’ll be kickin’ off tomorrow with my first edition of Stop Press! I’ll be reviewing an issue from either the local media or the international media depending on what happens in the next 24 hours.

Adios amigas/amigos and those sitting on the fence.

xx

The Taiwan Weekly

*****HOT OFF THE PRESS*****

I have no idea why but The Taiwan Weekly has been released early. Here is the main article for this week's edition. 

大安區 (Daan Area) Foreign Resident In Tone Uproar

Wednesday 0ctober 28th, 2009

In an unprecedented incident, Daan foreign resident, Mika Bertram, humiliated himself and scores of other people by using the wrong tone while ordering his lunch. The incident happened today at around 1:32pm after Mika approached a typical local noodle stand and made his request. Unfortunately while specifying his dietary requirements, he came unstuck and left the queue of customers and the staff all red-faced and unsure of where to look. 

"I just wanted to let the man know that I'm a vegetarian. I had no intention of offending everyone. I usually get my tones perfect. I just can't believe that no one put two and two together and helped me. The woman behind me even pinched her nose in disgust as if I suddenly smelled too," a visibly shaken Mr Bertram told our reporter. 

"He just went for it. I had no idea he was just going to dive in there and say it, otherwise I could have helped him. I don't know what he's going to do from here, he lives in the area, man he won't bounce back from this. I mean, he just walked straight up to the counter, with his head held high, shoulders back and said, 'I want to eat poo,' reported eyewitness Huang Lin-Chen, his friend and classmate at the local university. 

It took a lot of convincing to get the noodle shop owner Wang Chien-An to speak to us, but eventually he agreed to make a comment. "It's bad for business, bad for the community, and most importantly bad for international relations. Who says they want to eat poo in this day and age? I don't believe the young man for a second when he says he got his tones confused. The tones are the easiest part of the language!" 

According to Mr. Bertram, the most perplexing part of the incident was the fact that no one came to his defense and no one could work out that he was trying to say he was a vegetarian rather than he had a desire to eat faeces. 

"Everyone sort of clutched their stomaches and looked at me with these pained expressions on their faces. I've never been so embarrassed in all of my life. I went straight to my apartment and booked a ticket back home. I'm hoping I can transfer my credit points from the university and everything."

Asked if he'd learned anything from the incident, Mr. Bertram replied, "No, I'm still not sure what the correct tone is."  

By: Lipsty 

Movin' On Up

Hello Lovers,

Thank you for all the positive feedback about my last post. I’m glad to hear that everyone else feels the need for love and unity rather than hatred and segregation. Let’s keep spreading the messages!

But now, back by popular demand, I present to you the Weekend Winners.

- Far-far the waiter for kindly acknowledging my girlfriend’s birthday at his restaurant with…drum roll please…keep the drums rolling…and for a bit longer, this needs a worthy introduction…FREE BIRTHDAY BROCCOLI! That’s right, you heard it here first. Far-far went Far-far beyond the call of duty to make this birthday a special one. After watching the staff embarrass another Birthday Bandit on Saturday night I mentioned my girlfriend’s birthday with this enthusiastic response, “Great, no problem, I’ll write it down and there’ll be a birthday special for you.” Little did we know just how special it would be. We were presented with a massive side order of broccoli, all for FREE! Special - indeed, unconventional - most definitely, unnecessary - totally. Next time I’m stuck on a birthday surprise for a friend, I’ll throw a super-food their way.

- As mentioned in the last post, the local religious groups for taking time out of the Lord’s day to spread messages of hate and persecution. May you all one day need help, only to notice that there’s no one else around other than the whole cast of Homos: The Musical.

- The small group of people who got together near Taipei 101 to take the 350 photo to raise awareness for Climate Change. A much worthier cause! Nice work.

- The singing group from Melbourne who we met on Sunday night, thanks for keeping my homesickness at bay for a bit longer with your very Aussie humour.

- The turtles we rescued from the inhumanely small tank in my girlfriend’s school, Franklin and Roosevelt. They adapted quickly to their new environment and have been providing hours of entertainment as they basically move from the water to the rock then back to the water. I wonder how much longer our fascination will last? They must think we are idiots!

Mid-Week Winners
- All you awesome people who sent me positive feedback on my blog and on my Facebook page about my last entry. Thanks again.

- Hands On Disaster Response – my favorite NGO, they have set up a new project in Indonesia. They’re awesome, they’re honest, and they’re effecting change all over the world. Check them out. www.hodr.org

- The man who gave me a huge smile on my way to work this morning and VERY luckily caught his dentures just before they hit the ground. Thanks for the Morning Blues' giggle.

I don't really have any Mid-week Munters this week! I'm very glad to report it. My previous blog was wnough said I think!

On that note, back to the grind!

Keep smilin’, keep laughin' and most importantly keep lovin’.

xx

Letter To The Editor

Weekend Winners will be back with a vengeance and tied in with Mid-week Munters tomorrow! This is a letter that I would love to write to an editor somewhere hahha. But actually, it's futile so there's no point! So I hope you don't mind reading a more serious post on The Way It Is.

Taipei Gay Pride Parade is coming up this weekend and I wasn't shocked to hear that a number of Christian denominations had banded together on Sunday to protest against gays. What exactly does it mean to protest against gays? This is how it was phrased in the local press and I am so curious to know how to protest against a group of people. I suppose it means that they were protesting the mere existence of gays. 

I still fail to understand how in a world like ours, where horrific crimes are committed on a daily basis, (people are murdered, people go missing, children are abused and abandoned, countries are bombed by other countries...the list goes on) we can still have groups banding together to complain about gays. 

OK, sequins were so 1985, those of us with lithpth wish we didn't have them while others are putting them on, and sometimes we're all up half the night trying to work out the gender of the person who pumped our petrol in the morning BUT WHO CARES? Seriously, how does it affect anyone else who one chooses to love? 

On the weekend I was talking to my girlfriend about how sometimes I purposely avoid the subject with people to spare the awkwardness and to avoid making them feel uncomfortable, but the thing is that it's my life and they don't reserve the right to feel uncomfortable about what I do in my free time or who I choose to be with. 

If a person can be wholly defined by their sexuality then they don't have much substance to them. If sexuality was all there was to a person maybe it would make more sense marginalising people. But all my straight friends, my gay friends, and my bisexual friends, are more to me than walking representations of sexuality. In fact, their sexualities really have no bearing on our relationships at all. And why should they? 

The thing I find most ironic about these protests denouncing anyone who isn't a heterosexual is that for some reason, in my experience, I have dealt with huge numbers of homosexual people in community development contexts. I'm sure I'm not alone in making this sweeping generalisation, but the community sector is powered by people of all different sexual orientations (and a large amount of them aren't heterosexual). I've never heard any of my friends refuse to help a drug user in their support center because they're straight, not one of my friends has turned away a teenage runaway because they're straight, none of them have refused a straight person sexual health advice. Simply, because they don't care. Sexuality is such a small piece of the puzzle that makes us human. 

Why can't people learn to put their time and money to better use. Why waste time marching around complaining about gay people when there are more productive things to be done? Protest about the murderer who is being released after 5 years in jail, protest about the corporations releasing pollutants into our waterways and our air, protest about taxes being increased. Whatever, but leave the feather-boa wearing boys and the tuxedo wearing girls out of it. 

After all of these years of hearing people complain about gays I've reached the conclusion that it just comes down to jealousy. No one can throw a party like the gays. 

xx

Weekend Winners

Everyone's a winner in one way or another, but this weekend I got to choose a few Weekend Winners who really stood out from the crowd with their outstanding performances. In the spirit of my love of lists, here goes, and while you're reading it be sure to give each Weekend Winner a small round of applause:

1. The little girl in the park feeding hot dogs to the turtles. A career in animal nutrition is blatantly on the cards. WEEKEND WINNER!
2. The man walking through the park vomiting up his lunch without breaking step. WEEKEND WINNER! (please note that the name of the said park is the Peace Park - who said vomiting can't be peaceful?)
3. The turtles in the park (powered by hot dogs) for breaking through the wooden barrier between them and some succulent water plants, then leap frogging over the top of each other to try to get in to munch on the delights within. WEEKEND WINNERS!
4. My student for standing me up, therefore allowing me to witness the aforementioned festivities in the park. WEEKEND WINNER!
5. The woman in Starbucks for asking me how I'm from Australia, yet not black. WEEKEND WINNER! Maybe this prize should go to the geography and social studies department of her school instead?

Although I'm sure there were many more WEEKEND WINNERS all over the world, these are the ones that caught my eye. Stayed tuned for the weekly list coming at ya each Monday.

Let me know if you caught wind of anyone worthy of a WEEKEND WINNER accolade.

This week is sponsored by the POR FAVOR song by Emily Menuzo and The Chismoso. So to quote the famous band, "No mas trabajando por favor, mas cerveza por favor."

Have a crackin' week.

xxx

Loves of Friday

In my new Loves and Hates of the week to date section I was delighted to note these two points:

The fact that no-one pointed out when I slipped into the third person while mentioning tripping over the manhole cover repeatedly.

AND

The fact no one mentioned that I wrote "talk" to an Indian restaurant! I'm going to have a crack at it over the weekend but I suspect it would be more productive to WALK to an Indian restaurant.

AND I know for a fact that some of you read the blog! So I'm thanking you for being forgiving and generous in not pointing out my shortcomings. Which leads me to my next point:

I decided this week to make amends with a couple of friends that I had misunderstandings with. Eekk. I'd love to say it went well, but now I realise why other people never bother trying to bury the hatchet and get on with things! Forgiveness is a dish best served... not at all apparently.

Still, I haven't lost faith in the process! One of these days we'll all get better at it! I check out the news everyday and think it's so funny what we all bang on about all day. Maybe someone should start Perspective Camps in the Middle East or something?! Similar to those Boot Camps they send naughty kids to in the U.S. Hey maybe I just came up with a business plan right there!

Maybe the problem is that our structures are sounder these days, so the bases of bridges are far stronger meaning that water can't really pass under the bridge as much anymore? Who's to say in this crazy mixed up world!

Anyway, life's too short eh?! Too short to hold grudges, and too short to keep trying when you're the only one trying. Gotta use some of that time to put your love into something more receptive! Like changing the world!

Keep giggling.

Two of my favorite quotes:

"Life's too important to take seriously." Oscar Wilde
And something about remembering to be kind to everyone because everyone is facing their own private struggle. HAHHAHAHAHAHHA clearly one of my favorites since I don't know how it goes and I also don't know who said it.

Word!

Have a crackin' weekend my friends. Be kind to each other! Be forgiving! And make someone laugh so hard that tears run down their cheeks this weekend.

Lipsty

xxxx

Wednesday. Bloody. Wednesday.

I have been busy today. I have been proofreading test papers for English proficiency. "I want your life, I want your life," I can hear the cries coming from the back row. I would like to adopt the format of the tests I have been proofreading all day to ask a pointless question.

1. What did Lipsty do today?

a. Proofread loads of English proficiency tests.
b. Laugh so hard at her own joke that she cried (while crickets chirped in the background).
c. Pretended to hit the 'delete' key every time she walked past the graphic designer's desk.
d. Opened the toilet door on someone's face.
e. All of the above.

If you answered 'all of the above,' you win nothing aside from the knowledge that you got the answer right. But congratulations nonetheless.

So I'm keeping it short n' sweet as I got places to be, people to talk English at. So here goes: Loves and Hates of the Week to Date. My new favorite section of 'The Way It Is'.

Loves

- Red bean soup
- Tomato soup
- The revival of the 'Employee of the Month' badge that I made myself and give to myself in a ceremony at work at the end of each month.
- My private students repeatedly changing our class times.
- My dentist for swiftly and painlessly removing the largest wisdom tooth in the world. (It looked like one of the sides of Stonehenge).
- Bombarding my Facebook wall with silly news items.
- Governing forces bombing celestial bodies and all of the people that say, "It's cool, they've done it loads of times in the past they just never mentioned it before".
- The podcast I downloaded to my ipod about Green Living. Particularly the woman who is a "leader in U.S. green living programs "who referred to herself as a vegetarian and then littered her interview with references to the exceptional occasions in which she enjoys a bit of fish or chicken. I'm a vegetarian but...I'm also a tool?! Despite not being a preaching style vegetarian I do think it's best to steer clear of the label if you enjoy munching on any kind of food that used to have a soul.
- My black toenail.
- My red t-shirt which picks and chooses when to release its dye onto my unsuspecting whites.
- My inability to separate said red t-shirt from my unsuspecting whites.
- The fact she tripped over the exact same manhole cover three times this week.
- The snooze button.
- Y-front undies. Not on me, but they never fail to give me a chuckle.

Hates

- Governing bodies bombing celestial bodies...see point above and note the sarcasm yet again.
- Her neighbours. They havent' done anything new, it's just an ongoing feeling :)
- The fact she keeps forgetting to get a new tyre put on the scooter.
- Her alarm clock.
- When she forgets to boil and filter water and is really thirsty.
- Being addicted to Bejewelled.
- When I accidentally snort when I'm laughing.
- When I'm too lazy to talk to an Indian restaurant but I really want a curry.

I think that does it for this Wednesday. Stay tuned for the weekly report!!! Feel free to let me know what your loves and hates are for the week to date!

Holler!

xxxxx