Maintenance Problems

Holler,

Been a while! I'm not gonna lie about that! So the site has been playing up for a while and I haven't been able to access it to update it. I said I'd turned over a new leaf, and I really had. All gung-ho about updating everyday and then suddenly the site collapsed. Then when it was finally up and running, I forgot my password so I couldn't log in. Once I remembered my password, I raced home to update the blog and just as I sat down to write my latest update, a Russian spy plane crashed through my apartment window and smashed my mac. THANKFULLY no one was hurt. And nothing was damaged in my place except for the computer.

Are you a simple white liar or a dramatic, over-compensating, ridiculous one? I'm the latter unfortunately. The weird thing about my kind is that we know that we should stick to simple stories, but we can't help it. The minute we're faced with the prospect of telling a white lie, we go for it. I can't take the morning off work because I just have a cold. It always turns out a little something like this:

*Sick voice, no sorry, dying voice. Ok more like a whimper with moans intermittently dispersed*

"Hi, it's me. I'm really, really, really, really sorry, I can't come in today. I mean I can barely breathe let alone leave the house. I went to bed early last night. Actually it was more like the afternoon. I went to bed as soon as I got home at 5:30pm. I slept through until 12:20am when I woke up with a fever of 58C. I was so sick I couldn't go to the hospital. My friend rang the hospital and they said I was so hot that I should definitely not go to the hospital because my body heat might burn the place down." *cough, cough, cough to the point of wretching*

"So anyway, I tried to go back to sleep, but I was washed out of the bed with the tide caused by my waves of sweat. I passed out and woke up 3 hours later, covered in blood from where a bobcat broke into my apartment and maimed me while I was in my vulnerable, unconscious state. I crawled around for half an hour looking for my left hand, before I finally ended up passing out on the couch. I woke up this morning and I feel a lot better, but unfortunately I'm too tired to come into work."

"Ok. You rest up and feel better tomorrow. And there are no bobcats in Taipei. So I don't know what it was that attacked you.

"Thanks a lot. I'll look into that. I'll see you tomorrow."

I was too busy to write my blog ;)

Holler.
xx

Happy Monday

Yet another weekend has whirled into oblivion, and another crackin' week full of opportunities to make fun has arisen. HOLLER! 

So I have but a few weekend winners. I was disdainfully surrounded by all sorts of tedious situations over the weekend, all of which gave me some good giggles later. I had obviously been branded with the "please state the obvious at her" stamp yet again, which made for some infuriating situations. Like sands through the hour glass...without further adieu...

*******************WEEKEND WINNERS*****************************

1. The local acquaintance we had lunch with yesterday who ever so kindly translated the English menu for us...into English! We are foreigners...we aren't ILLITERATE!!! Weekend Winner! 

2. The girl who fell asleep across the aisle on the bus. I'm sorry, but you were a Weekend Winner until I had to brush my bum past your face to get to my seat. Weekend Loser.

3. Mother Nature for suddenly cranking the heating down 10 degrees. It's cold!!! Weekend Winner! 

4. The three men in the kitchen in the Indian restaurant yesterday for making the world's most awkward lunch even more awkward by staring through the window at my girlfriend and I for approximately 45 minutes while we ate lunch. You guys didn't even blink. And I'm sure you've seen some Westerners before. Weekend Winners. 

That's about all I got for this week for the Weekend Winners. I guess everyone was on their best behavior all over the island. 

To compensate for my lack of Weekend Winners, I have a couple of excellent quotes (well I think they're excellent anyway, but let's face it, I'm not the best judge). They weren't all said by me, either ;) Also, excuse the sensitive nature of one of the quotes. I think we should all be able to talk about this topic, but if you're not into reading a quote from a (*whispers* gynaecologist) then skip number 2.

1. *Looking at girl walking into doctor's surgery* "Gee, nice skirt. It's so daunting walking into this clinic, isn't it?" (Unfortunately this one was me, and I wasn't trying to be funny, and I did feel everyone staring at me as I walked through the door before I sat down upon the throne of judgement).

2. "This isn't the most pleasant procedure, but there's also worse...like...(mutters under breath)...oh no that probably isn't as bad...but there are worse ones...now let's get on with it" (Hahahhahahahahha what a legend! I love that woman, but I still think we could have gotten to know each other a bit more, first).

3. "It is important to protect people from unjust discrimination but it is ridiculous to claim discrimination every time we show a preference for some people over others." Archbishop George Pell. Wow! I've already massacred the quote all over Facebook, but REALLY what was he thinking?! I'll bet he's a champion of the "I'm not racist but..." school of thought! Out of control! 

4. "Can you please stop talking." My boss and many other people. Usually aimed at me. Harsh but fair. 

Have an awesome week. If you're in Taiwan, try to stick to the sane ex-pats or the others might rub off on ya. If you're in Oz, keep it warm for me - I'll be back soon baby! If you're anywhere else in the world, keep it real! 

Until next time. Adios amigos y amigas! 

xxxxxx

Loves and Hates of the Week to Date

Hola muchachas/muchachos and everyone still undecided,

Presenting to you Loves and Hates of the Week to Date!

Loves

- All the emails and comments I got about my Tuesday morning blogpost. Gracias! (Especially my mum and dad)
- The beautiful weather Taipei is flaunting this week.
- That I have proper calluses on my fingers now so that every time I play the guitar my fingers aren’t paralysed for a week after.
- Birthday broccoli.
- My landlady who sees no sense of urgency when it comes to floods. How would she handle other disasters in her house?
- The fact I left the stove on the kettle for a whole afternoon on Monday and my apartment didn’t burn to the ground.
- Franklin and Roosevelt, the rescued turtles living on my rooftop. You guys are so cute and cool. - The restaurant woman for putting a bit of beef in my vegetarian soup. “It’s OK for vegetarians to eat a bit of meat.” I must have accidentally given her power-of-attorney over my vegetarian diet. My bad.
- That time I sprayed water out of my nose in the office kitchen. Classy. Graceful. Professional. All at the same time!


Hates

- The wild sex parties that the local stray cats are having every night in my lane. Waking up to cat mating calls every night is not ideal.
- My neighbors, I haven’t seen them for ages, I’m not even sure if they still live in the building, but it’s still an ongoing feeling.
- The fact that everywhere I go people tell me that my black toenail looks dirty.
- That I’ve gradually turned my whole wardrobe pink by repeatedly putting the same red shirt in with all my lights and whites.
- People shouting, “Hello, how are you?” off their motorcycles when I walk to work. This place is teeming in foreigners, I can’t believe the novelty hasn’t worn off yet.
- The fact I have the messiest desk in my entire company.
- My brain.

That just about concludes it for this week! Stay tuned for my new format. I’ll be kickin’ off tomorrow with my first edition of Stop Press! I’ll be reviewing an issue from either the local media or the international media depending on what happens in the next 24 hours.

Adios amigas/amigos and those sitting on the fence.

xx

The Taiwan Weekly

*****HOT OFF THE PRESS*****

I have no idea why but The Taiwan Weekly has been released early. Here is the main article for this week's edition. 

大安區 (Daan Area) Foreign Resident In Tone Uproar

Wednesday 0ctober 28th, 2009

In an unprecedented incident, Daan foreign resident, Mika Bertram, humiliated himself and scores of other people by using the wrong tone while ordering his lunch. The incident happened today at around 1:32pm after Mika approached a typical local noodle stand and made his request. Unfortunately while specifying his dietary requirements, he came unstuck and left the queue of customers and the staff all red-faced and unsure of where to look. 

"I just wanted to let the man know that I'm a vegetarian. I had no intention of offending everyone. I usually get my tones perfect. I just can't believe that no one put two and two together and helped me. The woman behind me even pinched her nose in disgust as if I suddenly smelled too," a visibly shaken Mr Bertram told our reporter. 

"He just went for it. I had no idea he was just going to dive in there and say it, otherwise I could have helped him. I don't know what he's going to do from here, he lives in the area, man he won't bounce back from this. I mean, he just walked straight up to the counter, with his head held high, shoulders back and said, 'I want to eat poo,' reported eyewitness Huang Lin-Chen, his friend and classmate at the local university. 

It took a lot of convincing to get the noodle shop owner Wang Chien-An to speak to us, but eventually he agreed to make a comment. "It's bad for business, bad for the community, and most importantly bad for international relations. Who says they want to eat poo in this day and age? I don't believe the young man for a second when he says he got his tones confused. The tones are the easiest part of the language!" 

According to Mr. Bertram, the most perplexing part of the incident was the fact that no one came to his defense and no one could work out that he was trying to say he was a vegetarian rather than he had a desire to eat faeces. 

"Everyone sort of clutched their stomaches and looked at me with these pained expressions on their faces. I've never been so embarrassed in all of my life. I went straight to my apartment and booked a ticket back home. I'm hoping I can transfer my credit points from the university and everything."

Asked if he'd learned anything from the incident, Mr. Bertram replied, "No, I'm still not sure what the correct tone is."  

By: Lipsty 

Movin' On Up

Hello Lovers,

Thank you for all the positive feedback about my last post. I’m glad to hear that everyone else feels the need for love and unity rather than hatred and segregation. Let’s keep spreading the messages!

But now, back by popular demand, I present to you the Weekend Winners.

- Far-far the waiter for kindly acknowledging my girlfriend’s birthday at his restaurant with…drum roll please…keep the drums rolling…and for a bit longer, this needs a worthy introduction…FREE BIRTHDAY BROCCOLI! That’s right, you heard it here first. Far-far went Far-far beyond the call of duty to make this birthday a special one. After watching the staff embarrass another Birthday Bandit on Saturday night I mentioned my girlfriend’s birthday with this enthusiastic response, “Great, no problem, I’ll write it down and there’ll be a birthday special for you.” Little did we know just how special it would be. We were presented with a massive side order of broccoli, all for FREE! Special - indeed, unconventional - most definitely, unnecessary - totally. Next time I’m stuck on a birthday surprise for a friend, I’ll throw a super-food their way.

- As mentioned in the last post, the local religious groups for taking time out of the Lord’s day to spread messages of hate and persecution. May you all one day need help, only to notice that there’s no one else around other than the whole cast of Homos: The Musical.

- The small group of people who got together near Taipei 101 to take the 350 photo to raise awareness for Climate Change. A much worthier cause! Nice work.

- The singing group from Melbourne who we met on Sunday night, thanks for keeping my homesickness at bay for a bit longer with your very Aussie humour.

- The turtles we rescued from the inhumanely small tank in my girlfriend’s school, Franklin and Roosevelt. They adapted quickly to their new environment and have been providing hours of entertainment as they basically move from the water to the rock then back to the water. I wonder how much longer our fascination will last? They must think we are idiots!

Mid-Week Winners
- All you awesome people who sent me positive feedback on my blog and on my Facebook page about my last entry. Thanks again.

- Hands On Disaster Response – my favorite NGO, they have set up a new project in Indonesia. They’re awesome, they’re honest, and they’re effecting change all over the world. Check them out. www.hodr.org

- The man who gave me a huge smile on my way to work this morning and VERY luckily caught his dentures just before they hit the ground. Thanks for the Morning Blues' giggle.

I don't really have any Mid-week Munters this week! I'm very glad to report it. My previous blog was wnough said I think!

On that note, back to the grind!

Keep smilin’, keep laughin' and most importantly keep lovin’.

xx

Letter To The Editor

Weekend Winners will be back with a vengeance and tied in with Mid-week Munters tomorrow! This is a letter that I would love to write to an editor somewhere hahha. But actually, it's futile so there's no point! So I hope you don't mind reading a more serious post on The Way It Is.

Taipei Gay Pride Parade is coming up this weekend and I wasn't shocked to hear that a number of Christian denominations had banded together on Sunday to protest against gays. What exactly does it mean to protest against gays? This is how it was phrased in the local press and I am so curious to know how to protest against a group of people. I suppose it means that they were protesting the mere existence of gays. 

I still fail to understand how in a world like ours, where horrific crimes are committed on a daily basis, (people are murdered, people go missing, children are abused and abandoned, countries are bombed by other countries...the list goes on) we can still have groups banding together to complain about gays. 

OK, sequins were so 1985, those of us with lithpth wish we didn't have them while others are putting them on, and sometimes we're all up half the night trying to work out the gender of the person who pumped our petrol in the morning BUT WHO CARES? Seriously, how does it affect anyone else who one chooses to love? 

On the weekend I was talking to my girlfriend about how sometimes I purposely avoid the subject with people to spare the awkwardness and to avoid making them feel uncomfortable, but the thing is that it's my life and they don't reserve the right to feel uncomfortable about what I do in my free time or who I choose to be with. 

If a person can be wholly defined by their sexuality then they don't have much substance to them. If sexuality was all there was to a person maybe it would make more sense marginalising people. But all my straight friends, my gay friends, and my bisexual friends, are more to me than walking representations of sexuality. In fact, their sexualities really have no bearing on our relationships at all. And why should they? 

The thing I find most ironic about these protests denouncing anyone who isn't a heterosexual is that for some reason, in my experience, I have dealt with huge numbers of homosexual people in community development contexts. I'm sure I'm not alone in making this sweeping generalisation, but the community sector is powered by people of all different sexual orientations (and a large amount of them aren't heterosexual). I've never heard any of my friends refuse to help a drug user in their support center because they're straight, not one of my friends has turned away a teenage runaway because they're straight, none of them have refused a straight person sexual health advice. Simply, because they don't care. Sexuality is such a small piece of the puzzle that makes us human. 

Why can't people learn to put their time and money to better use. Why waste time marching around complaining about gay people when there are more productive things to be done? Protest about the murderer who is being released after 5 years in jail, protest about the corporations releasing pollutants into our waterways and our air, protest about taxes being increased. Whatever, but leave the feather-boa wearing boys and the tuxedo wearing girls out of it. 

After all of these years of hearing people complain about gays I've reached the conclusion that it just comes down to jealousy. No one can throw a party like the gays. 

xx

Weekend Winners

Everyone's a winner in one way or another, but this weekend I got to choose a few Weekend Winners who really stood out from the crowd with their outstanding performances. In the spirit of my love of lists, here goes, and while you're reading it be sure to give each Weekend Winner a small round of applause:

1. The little girl in the park feeding hot dogs to the turtles. A career in animal nutrition is blatantly on the cards. WEEKEND WINNER!
2. The man walking through the park vomiting up his lunch without breaking step. WEEKEND WINNER! (please note that the name of the said park is the Peace Park - who said vomiting can't be peaceful?)
3. The turtles in the park (powered by hot dogs) for breaking through the wooden barrier between them and some succulent water plants, then leap frogging over the top of each other to try to get in to munch on the delights within. WEEKEND WINNERS!
4. My student for standing me up, therefore allowing me to witness the aforementioned festivities in the park. WEEKEND WINNER!
5. The woman in Starbucks for asking me how I'm from Australia, yet not black. WEEKEND WINNER! Maybe this prize should go to the geography and social studies department of her school instead?

Although I'm sure there were many more WEEKEND WINNERS all over the world, these are the ones that caught my eye. Stayed tuned for the weekly list coming at ya each Monday.

Let me know if you caught wind of anyone worthy of a WEEKEND WINNER accolade.

This week is sponsored by the POR FAVOR song by Emily Menuzo and The Chismoso. So to quote the famous band, "No mas trabajando por favor, mas cerveza por favor."

Have a crackin' week.

xxx

Loves of Friday

In my new Loves and Hates of the week to date section I was delighted to note these two points:

The fact that no-one pointed out when I slipped into the third person while mentioning tripping over the manhole cover repeatedly.

AND

The fact no one mentioned that I wrote "talk" to an Indian restaurant! I'm going to have a crack at it over the weekend but I suspect it would be more productive to WALK to an Indian restaurant.

AND I know for a fact that some of you read the blog! So I'm thanking you for being forgiving and generous in not pointing out my shortcomings. Which leads me to my next point:

I decided this week to make amends with a couple of friends that I had misunderstandings with. Eekk. I'd love to say it went well, but now I realise why other people never bother trying to bury the hatchet and get on with things! Forgiveness is a dish best served... not at all apparently.

Still, I haven't lost faith in the process! One of these days we'll all get better at it! I check out the news everyday and think it's so funny what we all bang on about all day. Maybe someone should start Perspective Camps in the Middle East or something?! Similar to those Boot Camps they send naughty kids to in the U.S. Hey maybe I just came up with a business plan right there!

Maybe the problem is that our structures are sounder these days, so the bases of bridges are far stronger meaning that water can't really pass under the bridge as much anymore? Who's to say in this crazy mixed up world!

Anyway, life's too short eh?! Too short to hold grudges, and too short to keep trying when you're the only one trying. Gotta use some of that time to put your love into something more receptive! Like changing the world!

Keep giggling.

Two of my favorite quotes:

"Life's too important to take seriously." Oscar Wilde
And something about remembering to be kind to everyone because everyone is facing their own private struggle. HAHHAHAHAHAHHA clearly one of my favorites since I don't know how it goes and I also don't know who said it.

Word!

Have a crackin' weekend my friends. Be kind to each other! Be forgiving! And make someone laugh so hard that tears run down their cheeks this weekend.

Lipsty

xxxx

Wednesday. Bloody. Wednesday.

I have been busy today. I have been proofreading test papers for English proficiency. "I want your life, I want your life," I can hear the cries coming from the back row. I would like to adopt the format of the tests I have been proofreading all day to ask a pointless question.

1. What did Lipsty do today?

a. Proofread loads of English proficiency tests.
b. Laugh so hard at her own joke that she cried (while crickets chirped in the background).
c. Pretended to hit the 'delete' key every time she walked past the graphic designer's desk.
d. Opened the toilet door on someone's face.
e. All of the above.

If you answered 'all of the above,' you win nothing aside from the knowledge that you got the answer right. But congratulations nonetheless.

So I'm keeping it short n' sweet as I got places to be, people to talk English at. So here goes: Loves and Hates of the Week to Date. My new favorite section of 'The Way It Is'.

Loves

- Red bean soup
- Tomato soup
- The revival of the 'Employee of the Month' badge that I made myself and give to myself in a ceremony at work at the end of each month.
- My private students repeatedly changing our class times.
- My dentist for swiftly and painlessly removing the largest wisdom tooth in the world. (It looked like one of the sides of Stonehenge).
- Bombarding my Facebook wall with silly news items.
- Governing forces bombing celestial bodies and all of the people that say, "It's cool, they've done it loads of times in the past they just never mentioned it before".
- The podcast I downloaded to my ipod about Green Living. Particularly the woman who is a "leader in U.S. green living programs "who referred to herself as a vegetarian and then littered her interview with references to the exceptional occasions in which she enjoys a bit of fish or chicken. I'm a vegetarian but...I'm also a tool?! Despite not being a preaching style vegetarian I do think it's best to steer clear of the label if you enjoy munching on any kind of food that used to have a soul.
- My black toenail.
- My red t-shirt which picks and chooses when to release its dye onto my unsuspecting whites.
- My inability to separate said red t-shirt from my unsuspecting whites.
- The fact she tripped over the exact same manhole cover three times this week.
- The snooze button.
- Y-front undies. Not on me, but they never fail to give me a chuckle.

Hates

- Governing bodies bombing celestial bodies...see point above and note the sarcasm yet again.
- Her neighbours. They havent' done anything new, it's just an ongoing feeling :)
- The fact she keeps forgetting to get a new tyre put on the scooter.
- Her alarm clock.
- When she forgets to boil and filter water and is really thirsty.
- Being addicted to Bejewelled.
- When I accidentally snort when I'm laughing.
- When I'm too lazy to talk to an Indian restaurant but I really want a curry.

I think that does it for this Wednesday. Stay tuned for the weekly report!!! Feel free to let me know what your loves and hates are for the week to date!

Holler!

xxxxx

For An A$$hole, I'm Really Quite Considerate

I'd like to say I've been giving it some thought, but that would be lying. Actually, while sitting here staring into space, a thought popped into my head. Whenever I've got a complaint, I generally reach for The Way It Is to update the World's Number 1 Sporadic Blog. On closer inspection, I think I have come to the root of this. 

It all began about five years back when I started to get a bit more experimental with my small talk with strangers. It went from a quick "hello" to more of a "hi, how's it going?" kind of affair. From there I got out of control and would sometimes mix things up by responding to "how are you today?" with "I can't complain thanks". I remember clearly when my reality came unstuck, it was probably the third time I'd used my new "I can't complain thanks" line when the lovely gentleman at the service station I frequented said "well if we did complain no one would listen anyway". I thought to myself "shit! Is that really true? No one listens? Well what the hell am I going to do now?" So to cut to the chase, I guess five years down the track, The Way It Is has finally filled that void. 

Now, don't get me wrong, the man's comment didn't stop me from complaining, but I felt a bit guilty if I even had the slightest hint of a feeling that the person was listening. They probably didn't want to be. They probably didn't realise that it was now kosher to ignore complainers. Now you see I can complain at will, and you my dear readers (ahem, reader - you know who you are) can simply click on that little cross and be done away with the rant whenever you want, plus you have the added bonus of not having to here me splutter and lisp it out at you, you can imagine me reading this in whatever pleasant voice you desire. Nothing kinky please. 

Before I bid you adieu for the evening, here's a little gripe of mine - see another complaint - but I actually find this amusing. I find it hilarious when people start their sentences with "I don't know about you..." or "I don't know about in your family..." or "I've never been to Australia so I don't know about there but..." Of course you bloody well don't know! 1) You're not psychic 2) You're not in my family 3) You've already said you've never been to Australia so how the hell would you know what goes on Down There? And trust me, you don't want to know! What I love the most about my rage at this, is that I catch myself saying it ALL the time! Hypocrisy! A gift from Pandora's Box no doubt! 

I don't know about you, but I'm tired. Off for a sleep now. 

I don't have an Oprah quote off the top of my head, but think of something nice yourself and she has probably said it at one point or another. 

Rock Squared! 

xx

Toenail

For those of you (no-one) who have expressed concern about my right big toenail (see A Long Walk to Anchorage post on August 10), it is all black now, and very ugly. Thanks for asking. 

I've Been Abducted...

Haven't really! BUT it was a good lead into my upcoming point about this blog. Should you ever notice that this blog has started to be updated regularly, you can rest assured something bad has happened to me and someone has taken it over. If you ever suspect this has happened, please contact the relevant authorities (vague - I know, because I'm not sure who they are) and get them to start hunting. 

So, news from this side of the planet? Not a lot. My chest infection has everyone crying H1N1 - God bless the media. The good thing about the hysteria that the media has created is that now you can get 10x the amount of sympathy for your pathetic ailments, or double your money back. I like that. Not one person has laughed at me or called me a wimp since I came down with this weak little chest infection. Instead I hear whisperings of, "it could have been swine flu," "she's lucky it wasn't H1N1," "next time she might not be so lucky." All of these murmurs, of course, accompanied with a motherly shake of the head and a Bold and the Beautiful-esque shake of the head while looking in my direction. This cold was worth contracting! 

In other news, is it just me or do other people lose track of their friendship/enemy statuses with people they knew a long time ago but don't anymore? Let me explain this in a clearer way. A few years ago I was visiting home (from Taiwan) when I saw an old friend of mine from college, so I gave him a big wave and a smile, only to have him turn on his heel and walk away. It was at that exact moment that I remembered, we were never friends! Nor were we enemies, but the simple fact was that we just didn't know each other. So, it was likely one of those situations where he turned away thinking I was probably waving to someone behind him.

A more recent example happened just yesterday on Facebook (hot off the press, you heard it here first). I saw an old friend on a mutual friend's wall, so I busted them a message just seeing how things were going. From the curt response I received, the memories all came flooding back that something (which has obviously slipped my memory) happened, and we drifted with the hate obviously not coming from my side (can't imagine what I could have done hehhe). Anyway, my first thought was "what happened to time healing all wounds?" With my second thought being about the nature of my crimes. Anyway, it's funny. We live in some unforgiving times! I mean, that happened about 5 years ago, I was still a kid. I'm sure whatever I did or said wouldn't happen this days (whoops - that's assuming I have grown up, which we all know is not true). Having said that, I hold onto grudges like I hold onto my wallet when I walk through the streets of Rio. (I have only walked through the streets of Rio a couple of times, two years ago - however I'm stoked by the simile). But some people deserve to have grudges held against them. Like when their whole personality is a mistake, rather than the occasionally poorly judged quip being a mistake. 

Whole other ball game. Anyway, I think from now on I'm going to lie in wait for contact from the outside world, rather than forcing myself onto people that managed to evade me for lengthy amounts of time. 

Now, my only reader/fan, who mind you coaxed me into writing this - you know who you are. Says she had saved up her own Oprah quote. So I am going to leave this post quoteless, then I'm going to find out what her quote is and post it very soon at the end of another new message. Don't call the authorities if you see a post in quick succession with this one - that will be me! 

Until next time, stay strong and artificial and if you see someone coughing, be sure to make some loud, rude comments about H1N1 and how they should be at home rather than infecting the masses. 

xx

The Time Traveller's Girlfriend

I travelled through time this morning. It could have been far more exciting, but I travelled forward at the same speed as everyone else. While it felt faster at certain points, when I arrived at work I realised it was 8:16am and I'd left the house at 8:00am. If my calculations are correct, this means that it took me 16 minutes to get to work, which is the same as most days.

Time travel isn't always everything it's cracked up to be.

'My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.' - Oprah Winfrey

Thank you for the quote, you know who you are! xx

A Long Walk To Anchorage

Holler! 

Yes. Here I am. Ready to contribute to the world's leading half-assed and sporadic blog. Well, shoot me for being busy! Between a fleeting visit to Australia to gatecrash my dad's 60th, a mega, super typhoon on my second day back in Taiwan, showing Tegan and Sara around Miami, parking my 125CC scooter on my right big toenail and launching my solo career, there hasn't been much time for blogging. Oh and work hasn't exactly been understanding when it's come to giving me leave to hit the studio and rock out. Maybe I shouldn't have told them all that I started my guitar lessons a month ago? Nah! 

So, let's start with the fleeting trip to Australia. T'was glorious! Not much more to say about that really. Crackin' time, evened out the ratio of alcohol in Australia to that in Taiwan, we're tipping the balance again! I took one for the team by spending 6 minutes and 35 seconds of my trip sober. 

As for the typhoon, well we have definitely done something to enrage Mother Nature. While we all rejoiced at the chance for a day off work, we were hoping the long weekend would be granted without all the destruction that occasionally comes with the beasts. Many thoughts are with all the families affected. 

On a lighter note, despite the fact I showed Tegan and Sara around Miami, while I was sleeping (and in Taiwan, while they were in Canada). It really took it out of me. I felt jet lagged the next day after all that shopping. I'm still not sure if it's socially acceptable to include the events of a dream in the events of one's life, but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

I'm gutted to report that the next incident is factual and unfortunately wasn't contained to a dream as it should have been. The parking of the scooter on the big toenail did in fact happen. I'm trying to be positive about it, though. It served as an important function in community relations by further alienating me from my neighbours. Why is it that all the people that have restaurants below my block of flats can't speak a word of English but know the "F" bomb? 

...hmmm...on further thought, it might be the same reason that I know how to say it in approximately 20 languages. Well the world is a multicultural place and I guess if you can't get your point across any other way the "F" bomb comes in handy, even if it doesn't even start with "F" in the chosen language. 

Anyway, the much coveted Community Member of the Year trophy has slipped from my grasp yet again. I'll have to go for the Vagrant of the Year instead. Shouldn't be too hard! So, back on track, toenail is blue, still in tact however, which is a god send since it's just grown back. Who said I'm accident prone? Shut up! 

So as for my solo career. I'm spreading my wings and soaring. I might even have the debut album out earlier than first though. Prediction at press time is that it might be ready by January 15th of 2014! You heard it here first. I've got a mean G-chord on me now (and I'm not talking about my underwear). 

Stay tuned for sneak previews of the hottest album of 2014! 

Who's got a good quote from Oprah? Or at least something from her Book Club? What a gem! Rock out, y'all! Holler! 

xx

P.S Not sure what the blog title means. Any suggestions would mean a lot to me! ;) 

Album Release Announcement

************URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT********YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST************

For anyone who has read my blog in the past (people keep threatening to, but I'm not sure if they've been brave enough to follow through with it), you'll know I've been learning guitar. Well, basically, I've learnt all the chords and a few scales. Soooooo...it is without further adieu that I announce: 

A Fine Line Between Snores and Farts. 

Kirsty Webeck's first folk album. 

So basically, here's the story, I'm going to need lessons for about 5 or 6 years before I can write or record anything. So I just wanted to let the world know that I'm ready for the challenge, I've thought of the album's name and I've got a goal that I'm striving toward in leaps and bounds. At the moment I think the release date will be around September 3, 2014, but I'll keep the schedule up-to-date via this blog. 

Later in the week I'll be posting the lyrics to my first mega-hit just so you can get to know them before the album hits the charts. 

Thanks for all your support guys. I really appreciate it. 

xx

Amendments

With a view to fooling the world into thinking that anyone reads my blog, I have removed the 'followers' section. This way I can tell people that I'm taking a few days off work to reply to all the mail I've received from the thousands of followers who read my blog and would probably die without it. 

There is no need to display one's significant lack of readership. The good thing is that I am my biggest fan. I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes I can make myself cry with laughter. I know I probably shouldn't be admitting to that, but it's not an ego thing. I'm fully aware that half (or more) of the things I say, don't make sense, certainly aren't funny and send people off looking puzzled, often shepherding their children away from me with gentle whispers reassuring them that they'll never have to meet me again. 

I'm not a stranger to being introduced to people with stern looks warning me not to say something too ridiculous. You know, that gritted teeth utterance of one's name, while (to the untrained eye) gently resting one's hand on the potential screw-up's shoulder, all the while the finger tips are burrowing a hole into the shoulder. That kinda thing! 

Anyway, I've covered a lot of ground since the original thought of taking down my 'followers' list. It was a bit bleak, a bit grim, the kind of thing that you think you must have checked the wrong box for:

Would you like your blog to kick you in the teeth and remind you everytime you log on that you're a loser? Check the box below to activate this feature.

On that note, I'm going to go find that check box and uncheck it. I've recently started writing proverbs too, so I can leave some of my wisdom on this Earth for everyone. 

The sitting duck and the cicada both reached for the same cob loaf. The baker tilted his silly hat and all the darkness in the world was left whispering through the willows like that weird sound you make when you're trying to scratch the back of your throat...with your throat. 

Lipsty 16/7/2009 - I trust that I don't need to explain this. 

Besos.

Lipsty 

The Taiwan Weekly

Motorcyle Hidden By Layers of Bird Faeces.

A Shida resident awoke early on Thursday morning to discover a large, white mound in place of her motorcycle. Upon closer inspection, the worried resident realised that the white mound was in fact her motorcycle covered in faecal matter from some kind of avian species. In a country that has in the past held grave fears about bird flu, it would seem that an even bigger threat today is bird poo (although rhyming with bird flu, it is a completely different threat).

Ms. Wang parked her motorcycle in the alley at around 9:30pm on Wednesday night. Unbeknownst to her, she was making the fateful error of parking under one of the few trees in the neighbourhood. Ms. Wang has indicated that if she could turn back time she never would have made this decision (and she'd take back those words that hurt you, and you'd say... - or is that from the Cher song?).

"I just took it for granted that there was a parking space free, in such a busy part of the city I seized the opportunity and parked there. Now I know why the space was vacant," a teary Ms. Wang explained while digging through the pile with a packet of wet wipes.

Thankfully for Ms. Wang litigation is alive and well in Taiwan and she will be pursuing the matter with local authorities. She is currently seeking legal advice from Lee, Chen and the Money Grabbing Associates about how to go about suing the local council. In addition, she will sue the national government for outlawing bird hunting in the city, and she will also seek damages from the birds themselves. She is also pursuing avenues to sue the local restaurant owners who covered their mouths and giggled uncontrollably throughout her ordeal, while pointing her hidden motorcycle out to passersby. For now, all of us at the Taiwan Weekly wish Ms. Wang all the best in her endeavours to uncover the rest of her motorcycle.

By: Lipsty

Humble Pie

To My Sister,

I am sorry for saying you have ginger hair on your Facebook page. You don't have ginger hair. Most people can see you don't have ginger hair and I hope you don't have any 'friends' on your Facebook account that don't know you well enough to know that you DON'T (I repeat, DON'T) have ginger hair.

If anyone ever says you have ginger hair I will personally write you a reference saying you DON'T have ginger hair. Again, I'm sorry for the confusion. Your hair is very NOT ginger.

Thanks in advance for accepting this apology.

Love,
Lipsty

Reverse Sigh-kology

Holler! I'm guessing that to successfully undertake reverse psychology on yourself you have to have a certain level of intellect. This is clearly a level that I've not reached yet. 

Example A: Recently, I have realised that my fear of cockroaches has spiralled out of control. This dawned on me numerous times, but especially when my hair fell on my face and I thought it was a cockroach so smashed myself in the side of the face with my mobile phone, leaving a bruise on my cheekbone. I thought, something has got to give. So I tricked myself (a little more so than I care to admit). I decided to try to think of cockroaches around my garden as pets, and to let them be and try to adjust my feelings  toward them rather than adjusting their life spans. 

Result: I realised I'm a pet killer. Despite their new status as 'pet,' I was still mauling them with gallons of cockroach spray. 

Side effect of the result: Feelings of sadness knowing I'm a pet killer. Who knows when I'll stop? I'm scared to walk past the park in case I suddenly decide to kill the neighbours golden retriever. 

Lesson for the general public: Don't ask me to pet sit when you go on holidays unless you want to come back to find Fluffy and Wiggles lifeless and stuck to the ground covered in white spray.

I'm really not very good at this stuff at all. It can go either way, I feel ridiculous because I know I'm tricking myself, or I trick myself really well, forget I'm tricking myself, let myself down and then feel like a failure...then ages down the track I remember I was tricking myself and have to deal with the effects of mixed feelings - pride that I tricked myself so well, and fright that even I can trick myself so well. 

When will it end? Hasta la vista cockroaches, thanks for making me realise I'm a sigh-ko! 

I wonder if Oprah kills cockroaches? I wonder MORE why there are so bloody many cockroaches in Taiwan. I wonder EVEN MORE why the hell I'm still here with all the little stinkers! 

Who's to say in this crazy, mixed up world. 

Love to you and your pets! 

xxxx 

 

Public Displays of Affliction

Holler! What is it about hobbies that make them so attractive? I'm one of those people that come up with a new hobby every other day, some of them more wholeheartedly than others. I guess this blog in itself could be thought of as a hobby. Obviously a rather sporadic one, but a hobby nonetheless. I admire people that can do something on a super regular basis. However, right now I'm hiding behind this lame excuse that I blog in waves because 'it's my style'. Let me carry on thinking that.

As I'm typing about hobbies, I am feeling the numb effects on my fingertips of my latest 'hobby'. I'm learning the guitar. Ouch! It hurts for the first few weeks hey! I took up the guitar as a direct response to the stresses of changing jobs and moving house.

Speaking of which, my house is awesome, however it came at a great price. The tenant before me obviously hadn't been taught too much about keeping a clean house or taking out trash. As a result, 1.5 years worth of beer and wine bottles and pizza boxes were very strategically placed all throughout a one bedroom apartment and its garden. Awesome! The only redeeming thing in this situation was that it afforded me the opportunity to witness some of the most bizarre human behaviour I've witnessed to date. Examples include, but are not limited, to the following:

1) The downstairs neighbour complaining that the noise from the front door of the apartment (the sharehouse I was living in before moving upstairs) was too loud, so kindly doused the whole thing in peanut oil. Not the hinges of course, but the other end of the door. Is the door quieter? No. Do all of the occupants of that house have sticky hands all the time? Yes.

2) The painters took the liberty of having a nap on my bed. Yup, all three of them, snug as a bug in a rug. On my bed. When they didn't respond to my 'evil eye' I realised it was best to leave them there.

3) The aforementioned downstairs neighbour biding her time, then seizing the chance to run through the front door in the sharehouse, through to the back of the apartment, around onto the balcony, in what could only be described as rat-like stealth, to start furtively working away in the corner of the balcony. When approached by a rather irate yours truly, she went on a rant in Chinese about how she was helping us for free and no one takes care of the building but she is doing it all for free, hero this, hero that, shut up lady, get out of my house lady. Wild, nosy woman on the third floor!

4) The sliding door man was supposed to come to replace the fly screen doors (said ex-tenant/animal ripped a hole in them for his cats to pass through/shed their fur all over). He called me at 10am on Saturday morning to tell me to get down to the 7-11 two blocks away and help him get the doors upstairs. One can imagine what I told him to do with his doors. I was paying a decent amount of money to have him do the work, he was happy to walk away. Weird!
As a result, the joke of the month continues, "the last tenant left his cat here, there it is, coming out of the hole in the fly screen." What can I say? I'm not removing the filthy hairball from the door. Judging by the way he lived up here, it may even be his own fur.

5) The garbage woman came bright and early on Sunday morning to clear more of the debris that was left behind. After giving her careful instructions, I stumbled back to bed. About 15 minutes later I suddenly woke up and decided to check on her, just in time to see her murdering my aloe vera plant in what can only be described as a frenzied attack. After confiscating them, a bit of CPR and some repotting I am pleased to report that they are all doing fine, however, I have been woken during the night to hear them crying out with nightmares of 'the incident'.

So, like I said, these are but a few examples of the tyranny I faced while trying to get this place back to a reasonable condition! Tough crowd.

In all of these people's defense, they have given me something to write about, not to mention the phobia of Taiwanese tradespeople. Just kidding, this is just a small sample ;)

Anyway, here's a quick acrostic poem (no Tuesday is complete with out one) before I choose one of my hobbies to hoe into before I say my prayers to Oprah and hit the hay.


Excuse me, how gross.
Xylophones could clean better than you.

Truly, what a shambles.
Ech, I feel sick, sick, sick.
Nothing seems to clean off the scum.
Arrrghhhhhhh so yucky.
No, thanks. I won't accept your apology.
Thanks for nothing, wanker.

Heartfelt, emotional and full of raw feelings. That, dear readers, is a window into the pain I am feeling right now.

Until next time, don't cast the first stone unless you're in a glass house.

Lipsty
xx

Editing Prize

The first one out of my one fan to find the typos in the previous blog post will receive a free 10 minute session on Skype with me.

Letter of Thanks

Dear Crabs,

You don't know me. My name is Lipsty, I'm an Australian writer/editor living in Taiwan. I've been a big fan of you guys ever since I was a kid. On a trip to the Philippines a couple of years ago I realised that there was something I could do to get even closer to you guys - crab walking.

Ever since that day I have regularly paid homage to you by crab walking in a range of different situations, to a range of different venues. Below is a list (not complete) of different ways I have indugled in crab walking:

1. I crab walked to the 711 once
2. I crab walked for part of the journey to walk the other day
3. I crab walked up and down a flight of stairs
4. I crab walked around my classroom once
5. I crab walked into an elevator at a major department store
6. I crab walked from my table at the pub to the bathroom once
7. I crab walked from my scooter into Starbucks once

I could continue for ages but I don't want to waste your valuable time as I'm sure you also have a lot of crab walking to do. I just wanted to thank you guys for changing my life and giving me something to be passionate about.

Here's to many more crab walking excursions.

Yours sincerely,

Lipsty

Punctuation!?,,,,,

Just as a quick side note, I've noticed (along with others) in my new writing and editing job that I am a bit tight with the old punctuation. I've never been one to chuck in an extra comma here or there. I'm, going to! start, turning over a - new leaf,,,,,,.! 

Holler at me, if, you think! I'm' missing out on any punctua,ti,on marks! 

Word! 

Remember That Time You Didn't Write A Blog for 27 Days and Other Observations

I'm remembering that time! Seems like a distant memory now that I'm tap dancing on the keyboard preparing to write something Earth shattering to give my anonymous readers something to while away the seconds (or maybe even minutes if I can be bothered). I love observant people. You know who you are. Particularly when they catch you doing something damning. Even better, is an unobservant person who snaps out of their daily haze to catch you at your worse. 

Like the teacher who'd miss all of my friends' typos on their school assignments but managed to zero in on my "pubic relations" report. Certainly a lot more fun than "public" relations. Although, others would argue that the best past time of all would be "public pubic relations" - ooohhh the thrill of getting caught. 

Like my ESL student who always wrote "bog" instead of "dog" but managed to catch me out leaving an "o" out of balloon. The little dude couldn't string a sentence together but rose to triumph over his teacher. It was a simple writing error, by the way, it had nothing to do with my propensity to spell simple words. Needless to say he didn't receive any stickers for a week. 

Like my taxi driver the other night who waited for me to nestle into my sticky, stinky seat before announcing in Chinese, "you're a foreigner." I'm sure had he realised the magnitude of the awkward silence that was to follow, he never would have pointed out the obvious to me. I'm not sure if was the pasty white skin, the blue eyes or the curly "mother of pearl" hair that gave it away. Who has "mother of pearl" coloured hair by the way? I think it's more a tooth colour than hair,  it's certainly not the colour of my hair. A lot of fun to declare, too. Actually, this guy isn't even a good example of what I'm talking about - but never mind! 

Anyway, I guess I'm going to stop playing hard to get. I've been asked by my one fan (you know who you are) to keep the blogs coming. So I will. Just for you. If you're willing to read the rubbish that I drivel on a regular basis, then I should at least be forthright with the drivel. 

An interesting exchange that I had at my favourite local Middle Eastern restaurant tonight: 

Waitress: Would you like the Egyptian cigars?

Me: No, I'm Australian. 

Sometimes 2 + 2 really does equal 5. 

Stay tuned for Friday's newsflash of the week. Back by popular demand - designed to keep my fan at bay ;) 

Remember to thank Oprah before each meal, remember if it's a cheap curry you'll be in the bathroom for days afterwards and that it's easier to kill two stones with one mockingbird...or whatever. 

Lipsty!

The End of an Era

Moving on is ideal when there are no emotions attached. I'm currently winding up my Asia tour. I've marked the date on the calendar for a year from now (I'm confident that this is it), I've passed on all my furniture to anyone willing to take it and I've down-sized considerably. This is the part that astounds me the most. I still have enough stuff to fill a removalist truck even though I feel like I've spent more time at the garbage bins than in my house and I've fully furnished several people's homes with my stuff. 

I don't think of myself as a hoarder but I guess I must be. Actually, now that I think of it I know I am. Thinking back on conversations we've had as we're trying to discriminate between what to move up north and what to toss. 

Me: No worries, throw out that praying mantis leg, I don't use it anymore anyway. 

Ten minutes later. 

Me: Where'd you put that praying mantis leg? It will probably come in handy in the new house. 

Anyway, moving house is a nightmare. I hate it, I have no desire to do it as regularly as I have been of late, but it's time to move onto greener pastures and get out of this vortex of boredom and repetition. 

Time to mop! 

I bet Oprah has someone to mop for her! 

Ciao. 

The Taiwan Weekly

I am going to start posting important news items from Taiwan each week. Check back each Friday for the news item of the week selected from many pressing issues that have arisen during the working week. Here's the first one. 

Whiteboard Magnets Disappear From Classroom

In a chilling incident in a local high school in Taichung (central Taiwan) up to 8 long, black whiteboard magnets have disappeared from a senior high school classroom. The incident happened after a student recruitment exercise involving teachers demonstrating a typical lesson at the school. 

"We're not sure what happened to the magnets, but basically a teacher borrowed them and then they were never returned. When we went back to check the room they weren't there," reported a staff member who wishes to remain anonymous. 

According to staff estimates the magnets are worth 24NTD in total, which roughly works out to being $1USD. 

"With the way the economy is at the moment we can't afford to be splurging on new classroom materials. We're pretty sure that we've narrowed the suspects down to 6 people but they are all reluctant to assist in the investigation," said another teacher who is responsible for spying on the other teachers and reporting back to management. 

The school is planning on increasing security measures to ensure that a repeat incident doesn't occur. All teachers will be frisked on their way out of the building and the 'Magnet Check-out Book' will be monitored carefully in the future. 

The principal of the school, Mr Lai, released a statement at a press conference urging other schools to be more fastidious about their classroom security. 

"You never expect this kind of thing to occur in your own school. I guess this has been a real wake up call for all of us. Sometimes you think you can trust the people you work with every day and then you get a swift slap in the face which reminds you that people just aren't how they were back in the day. Be careful, this isn't just about whiteboard magnets. It's about other things like markers, paper clips, staples, erasers, rulers, basically all kinds of stationary. I hope your schools never have to deal with something like this." 

The investigation is expected to continue into the next semester until the culprit is caught. 

By Mirsty Fleabeck 

Stockholm Syndrome

I've been kidnapped by reality and now that it's starting to turn out for the best I'm falling for it. 

'The Way It Is' has endured an untimely hiatus due to my impulsive urge to move back to the big smoke that is Taipei. After acquiring a writing job in a publishing company I decided to leave the mountaintop mansion to go live in a cockroach infested matchbox in Taipei. However, the question was, 'which cockroach infested matchbox?'

After six weeks of house hunting I FINALLY found literally the exact house I was looking for (or hoping would be vacated). Good things come to those who wait ~ or threaten to kill their real estate agents. To be fair, in the end I did find a lovely real estate agent however I did encounter some little gems along the way. Here is a brief list of some of the wonderful characters I met along the way. 

Mrs 'It's already quite dirty so you don't have to worry about cleaning too much' Chen 

Mr 'I know it's not what you're looking for but you can see my office from this window' Wang

Mrs 'I know it said on the ad it's close to the MRT but it's not actually that close' Lai (pronounced Lie ;) 

Mr 'We're a bit dubious about two girls living together' Lin (pronounced homophobe)

Mr 'Insert 10 minutes of nervous giggling here' Wu (at least he knew his house was hideous)

Mr 'You need to come up to Taipei tomorrow to look at this gem' Wang

Mr 'Sorry I said it was a gem and made you come all the way up here from a city two hours down south when it's actually a hell hole' Wang 

Mrs 'Don't mind all the dead cockroach bodies' Wen 

Many giggles were had along the way, however by the time I'd found my place the giggle pond was definitely starting to dry up. I did learn a lot about myself during the past six weeks, here are some of the best ones. 

1. Even when I feel like I'm about to explode in a fit of rage I can smile politely and say, 'thank you for your time'.

2. Whenever I want to say, 'this place is a pile of $%#^ $@$@!$' my brain is automatically programmed to transmit, 'wow what an interesting space' to my mouth. 

3. I can politely tell people never to call me again without sounding rude. 

4. My penchant for tripping up stairs is something I will never grow out of. 

5. When I speak Chinese often elderly people mistake it for English.

6. The prospect of having a free bucket thrown in to collect the water from the leaking roof is not quite enough to sell me on an apartment. 

7. I can find any excuse to drink a beer, and house hunting related fatigue is now a favourite. 

8. If I wear wet shoes and socks all day, my feet will turn white and shrivel up into prune-like ghost-feet which are a third of their original size. 

9. I hate people who have numerous aliases and pop up everywhere to meet me to look at different properties. 

10. My favourite memory of house hunting was when Anna (my partner in crime) introduced me to a landlady as Ragina (as in rhyming with vagina) rather than Regina (rhyming with spleena) HAHAHAHHAH what's a spleena? Anyway, the woman's embarrassed giggle spoke a million words. 

I'm not homeless anymore! 'The Way It Is' is officially back in action. Let me know if you're reading it, let me know if you're not! Remember: no blog support = no Christmas card. 

I'd like to thank Oprah for getting me through the house hunt. 

Love! 

Letters From The Monday After

Dear Weekend,

Thank you for the good times with my friends in Jhongli, also thank you for providing a forum for me to:

1. be involved in a never-ending round of shots resulting in slurred speech and inappropriate comments. 

2. be slapped in the private parts by a friend resulting in a cool new walk reminiscent of John Wayne. 

3. have the capacity to misjudge the distance from where I was standing to the bed, resulting in a bruised forearm and a 20 minute whinge about the pain. 

4. pick up a dirty cold. 

5. still be very tired on Monday morning. 

I miss you, but I am happy in the knowledge that it will only be four and a half more days until we are reunited and sharing good times again. I hope you roll around quickly, this week. 

Love, 

Lipsty

Dear Bus Company,

Thank you for providing a very cheap and convenient service. I use your bus often to travel between Taichung and Taipei. In all my years of depending on your cheap and reliable service I only have one complaint to make. It would seem that the bus journeys are always incredibly smooth unless I find myself in a position needing to use the bathroom. Of the approximately 3 times I have used the toilet in the past few years, each and every time we have hit a pot hole right at the crucial point resulting in all sorts of problems. 

I would appreciate if you could bring this up at the next staff meeting and try to do something to change it. I don't know if the driver is having a laugh or if it's just bad luck but if it's possible to fix it, I'd love it if you did. 

Thank you in advance for your serious consideration of this matter.

Best Regards,

Lipsty

Dear Ex-friend,

Thank you for having a wonderful birthday party again. I was glad I could be a part of it. That is until the point in the evening when you wanted to demonstrate how someone had accidentally slapped you in the groin. Given the fact that the 'slapper' involved in your incident did it completely accidentally, I find it very difficult to believe that he used the force and the full weight of his arm (swinging from right behind his back) to execute the maneuver, in the same manner that you did.

Although I am quite comfortable with my new walking style, I would have appreciated being given the chance to DECIDE that I wanted to start walking like John Wayne. I am left feeling resentful and a little irate by the fact you took my right to decide away. 

When I left my house on Saturday, I was completely oblivious to the fact I was about to become a victim of a copycat slapper. As a result I feel a deep sense of shame, fear and overprotectiveness towards my groin. 

In future, if you have to mimic such a terrible act, please do it with equal velocity and power to the original incident. 

I appreciate your reflection on your actions and your impending written, formal apology which will hopefully be published in the local newspaper.

Yours painfully,

Lipsty

Time Out

Wooooaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Been a long time between blogs. It's not that my blog-steria has already dwindled. It's more that between updating my Facebooking and Tweeting my Twatter or whatever, I've hardly had time for work let alone blogs. I'm trying to maintain that I haven't been sucked into the vortex that is cyber space, but I don't know if I believe it myself anymore. 

000100010011111001010000010101010111000101001010111100010101001111000001101001000001010010010. Whoops, there I go again. Writing in binary code. Trust me, that's not half as bad as speaking in binary code...particularly when you're supposed to be lecturing a group of year 12 students about the virtues of being an ancient Egyptian pharaoh. It's bad enough that I'm supposed to be teaching a group of native Chinese speaking teenagers about Social Studies in English, but then when I crack out the binary code...you can imagine the results. 

It's amazing how quickly one slinks into the bowels of computer-geekdom. One day I was an average Australian lady doing her thing, the next thing I know, I'm asking students why they need to see the school nurse by saying things like, "what is it? Do you have a problem with your mainframe?"

Anyway, this is proving to be almost a full time job now. Luckily I'm not actually too worried about people reading any of this. I'm quite content for cyberspace to suck it up and dispose of it accordingly. I suppose my impending fluency in binary code talk might even come in handy one day. 

Student's homework task: Write a sentence for each new vocabulary word. 

Student's homework quote of the week (for the word 'boss'): My boss tried to take some the pressure off me, HOLY SHIT! 

Homework grade: A+ - grammar could use a little work, but she's proving wise beyond her years. 

Don't forget: Oprah has the answers and he who laughs last...looks like a tool. 

Good day! x 

 

An American is Stealing Our Dog

Imagine this. You're an older, retired Taiwanese man, happily sailing through life, living in a small alley with your wife and pack of dogs, minding your own business, when one evening you hear a commotion outside your house.

You venture out to see a blonde, curly haired foreigner (automatically assumed to be an American) trying to coax one of your numerous dogs onto their scooter. When she sees you, she politely says in Chinese, "Sorry to bother you, I'm trying to catch my dog." You immediately turn around, open your front door and call out to your wife, "come here quickly, an American is stealing our dog."

To fill in the gaps in this story, I had fleetingly glanced at a group on Facebook that had been set up to help another foreign teacher find her missing dog. So, on my way home from a class I saw 'the dog' that had been in the photos on the website. After debating whether or not to make it my business, I decided to lure the dog onto my scooter and deliver it back to the distraught owner.

My biggest mistake was that, during this thought process, I neglected to address the fact that I'm notorious for crossing wires.

So to cut a long (and as usual, embarrassing) story short - I chased the dog for 25 minutes, up and down a park, until we finally arrived at the owner's house. The owner, loving the drama started playing a creepy mind game with me, giving me the dog, then taking it back, then putting it on my scooter, then taking it off. All the while cackling away, breathing his betelnut breath into my face and shouting in Chinese about having his dog stolen by an American. After a heated exchange, escalating to the point of me pulling out my mobile phone (proof that I'm not an American - no cellphone here!) and threatening to call the police.

What was I thinking? It wasn't even my dog but I was so hell bent on getting it back for this foreigner (someone I don't even know). The whole drama ended when the man kindly set his pack of 6-8 dogs on me (who's to say how many there were?), at which point I gunned my engine and flew up the street screaming, "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YYAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Which is Chinese for (I don't want). Style and dignity! Some people have it all!

The whole exchange left me a shaken wreck for the rest of the night! Throughout the ordeal I had been calling some friends who knew the foreign "owner" but they had all been in class. When they finally got back to me I received the inevitable news that the foreign "owner" had already found her dog.

Furthermore, when I got home and checked my Facebook, lo and behold, the dog in the photo couldn't have looked more different from the dog that I tried to kidnap. They were as different as a chihuahua and a Great Dane.

A lesson was learned! Don't count your stray dogs before they hatch...or whatever.

Short Term Memory Loss and The Obvious, Stated Clearly and Served for Tea

Maybe I'm giving too much away here, but has anyone ever noticed that policemen always speak in the past tense? 

Policeman: Miss, did you realise you were driving through a red light then? 

Policeman: Did you realise you were doing 60km/h in a 40km/h zone? 

Me: Yes sir, I did. AND I STILL DO! YOU'RE GIVING ME A SPEEDING TICKET NOT AMNESIA YOU BLOODY IDIOT! 

And my favourite: 

Policeman: Did you realise you just drove through a stop sign? 

There are two things wrong with this statement:

1) Whose car or motorcycle can jump high enough to go through a stop sign in the first place?

2) It's physically impossible for the particles of the stop sign to disperse to allow your car to go through it anyway. 

Infuriating. Can anyone spell customer service training? Or whatever. 

In other news, I've realised that I'm one of the Heroes. You know, like off the TV show. I understand that it's a strong assertion to make and that some people with think it's rather conceited, but I'm not messing around here. Over the past two weeks, I've felt different. Like a change has swept over me, like I'm unique. 

You see it all started when I tripped over the sliding door threshold at school the other day and one of my students said, "Teacher, you fell down." I was a bit shaken by the ridiculously obvious statement but I decided to brush it off as a one-off incident. 

But then the very next day something else happened. I went down to the local market to buy some lunch and I asked the vendor what she sold in her pots. She opened up a very large pot of noodles, watched me look at them for a couple of seconds and then said, "they're noodles."

My initial reaction was shock, particularly when I allowed my mind to flit back to the previous day's incident, then I felt sick and just jumped on my scooter and got the hell out of there as fast as I could. Later I just felt plain, old-fashioned anger! 

The final example that I'll burden you with (there are hundreds) happened at school, again. I asked my colleague to have a look at the school's schedule for the year and he passed it over to me. After watching me scanning it for a few seconds, he leaned over and said, "it's in Chinese." Do you see? I have the power! I am the final Chosen One. I have the uncanny ability to make everyone around me assume I'm simple and therefore point out the obvious to me. If you're not convinced, don't worry! I'm intending on publishing a 2,000 page novel full of other examples!

Above all, don't worry. I haven't let these powers go to my head. If you see me around, come up and say "hi". I'm still the same old Lipsty. 

Please remember: Peter, Paul and Marys in glasshouses shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth or kill a mockingbird...or whatever. Also, no matter what life throws at you, copy Oprah. 

What Goes Around...

The only appropriate ways to convey the raw emotion of this exercise in karma are either through interpretive dance or a third person retelling. As a consequence of limited time (and a strained hamstring from a previous attempt at choreography), I will opt for the third person retelling.

Modern Day Taiwan

Having woken up on the ecstatic side of the bed, a humming and skipping Lipsty mounted her scooter and made her way swiftly to the high school she calls home. As a new member of the team, she couldn't wait to see how her new students did on their mid-term exams. She quickly gulped down her oats and seeds (all the while still singing, clapping and cartwheeling through the office) so she could resume the wonderful joy of grading papers.

She maintained her chirpy mood throughout the morning while seeing her students kicking academic goal after academic goal until SUDDENLY BAM!!$%#!!!! She turned over a test paper and was smashed in the eyes by A MASSIVE LIFE-SIZE, 3D MALE ORGAN! Complete with veins. It was so life-like in fact that she threw it on ice and started running for the hospital.

Of all the nerve? Which student would have done such a thing? How did they get to be so good at drawing THAT...??? Despite having previously thought she was rather unembarrassable (real word check?) - Lipsty found herself sitting at her desk with a red face. Then like a bolt of lightning the karmically-linked incident slapped her in the face.

CUT TO COLONIAL AUSTRALIA (well around 1992 or 1993 anyway)

A young Lipsty enters the playground of her conservative Catholic primary school (let's call it St. Dude's for purposes of anonymity). She is armed with nothing but schoolgirl innocence and a posse of dirty, scratched up, wise-beyond-their-years school boys. The posse's eyes (every single last one of them) scan the playground until they fall on their unsuspecting victim, Mrs. Sausage*.

Gathering around Lipsty like a hungry pack of seagulls, the five 8 year old boys put forth their challenge. Lipsty was to approach Mrs. Sausage, her favourite teacher, and tell her this great joke. Rising to the challenge, Lipsty fearlessly strutted across the playground towards her target.

The exchange went a little something like this:

Lipsty: Hi Mrs. Sausage. Would you like to hear a joke?
Mrs. Sausage: I'd love to Lipsty.
Lipsty: Ok! I'll say a sentence and you repeat it but add the word 'debating' to the end.
Mrs. Sausage: Sounds wonderful.

Mrs. Sausage plainly had no idea what she was getting herself involved in. Nor did Lipsty!

Lipsty: I like science.
Mrs. Sausage: I like science debating.
Lipsty: I like english.
Mrs. Sausage: I like english debating.
Lipsty: I like history.
Mrs. Sausage: I like history debating.

And so it carried on until they came to a critical point. Not understanding the punchline and therefore its detrimental effect on Mrs. Sausage's opinion of her, Lipsty bulldozed through to the finishing line.

Lipsty: I like maths!
Mrs. Sausage: I like maths debating!

As Mrs. Sausage's face quickly flushed crimson, Lipsty looked to the skies to see who had dropped the bucket of red paint on her favourite teacher's head. Shaking off the confusion, she bid Mrs. Sausage farewell and continued on with her lunch break.

CUT TO 17 YEARS DOWN THE TRACK

Karma has settled the score Mrs. Sausage. Here's to many more incidents of student-induced embarrassment. I get the joke now and I'm very sorry. A red face for a red face!


*Mrs. Sausage's name has been changed to protect her identity.

Clearing the air!

Please don't be fooled into thinking I'll be writing two new blogs a day. While I do have a multitude of pent up, irrelevant and, at times, tedious stories to tell, this enthusiasm and fervor will quickly diminish into a state of complete apathy and the blog will end up floating around in the part of cyberspace where blogs go to die. 

The reason for Saturday's double header is that I have a few things that I feel urgently need addressing. The first one being, what the hell is a lipsty??? The reason I pose this question is that according to the gatekeepers of the predictive text dictionary at Nokia, a lipsty exists yet Kirsty does not. To add more fuel to my fire, my phone won't even allow me to save Kirsty in the predictive text dictionary. This being both time consuming, frustrating and a potential RSI risk. A mere slip up on the part of a Nokia employee or GROSS MISCONDUCT!!! YOU BE THE JUDGE.

While we're on the topic of names, another thing that needs to be addressed is how to create funny nicknames. This is topical because in the past fortnight one of my students has started referring to me as 'fried chicken' a favorite 'delicacy' (if you will) in Taiwan. The reason being? My blonde, curly hair.  While I find the link tenuous (my hair isn't greasy, stinky and immersed in a deep fat fryer) I also find the resulting nickname suitably unfunny (is that a word? who cares!). Nicknames have to be:

- contextual (derived from a funny incident, like my nickname K-Lo - for being kicked out of a computing class when I was 19 for spinning on my chair singing 'My Love Don't Cost a Thing' at the top of my lungs).

- a play on words - usually the person's name (like my high school friend, Matty Moore, who I dubbed 'Matty Morphosis'. Hilarious, if I may say so myself.   

- based on a positive physical feature (like everyone's 6ft4" friend called Shorty) 

If my student's English ability were greater (or my 'nickname' Chinese better) I would be able to explain this concept to her, since I can't, you must endure the lecture instead. Please think twice before you create an embarrassingly lame nickname for your friend or colleague. 

Finally, before I sign off and resume my weekend as my alter ego, 'Regular Citizen Without a Blog, Nothing To See Here, Move Along In An Orderly Fashion,' what do you do when someone tells you something they think is funny but it's not? I have always taken this to be the reason I'm here on Earth. To work out a suitable way to deal with people who repeatedly tell you anecdotes that they find hilarious and you find embarrassingly awkward and particularly unfunny. These situations are possibly the only thing worse than being granted the gift of a lame nickname. 

Unfortunately, over the years that I've been studying such people, (I fancy myself as an Anthropologist of socially awkward people), I've never been able to perfect my fake laugh. This regularly results in mutual embarrassment for the story-telling inept person and I. Unfortunately, now I find myself in a situation where I'm exposed to this kind of person on a regular basis (too regular - I deserve a community service award for my tolerance) and I have this overwhelming feeling that it is my moral and social obligation to find a way to make the rants stop. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. 

Remember: If you get into a sticky situation today, just think, "what would Oprah do in this situation?" and people in glasshouses shouldn't call the kettle Peter or Paul...or whatever.  

Moby Does It

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 34 year old man who grew up on a cattle ranch at the base of the Colorado Rockies. Tired of the year-round -40 degree temperatures I accepted a position as a back up dancer for a Korean pop outift called 392-hello. I ventured out into the Orient to find fame and fortune with nothing but my cowboy boots, a tu-tu and a dried out goat's skull that I found on a neighboring property.

I guess this is why so many weird things happen over the internet. It's so easy to let your imagination do the talking and your fingers do the walking. While I'm disappointed that this was the most imaginative fabricated life story I could invent - it is nonetheless invented now, and waiting to be rectified.

In reality, I'm a middle aged, 26 year old female, trapped in a female's body, teaching English and "studying" Chinese in Taiwan while hastily slapping together an exit strategy (which doesn't discriminate against job offers in circuses or garbage trucks). I was raised in the kind of environment where you never let the truth get in the way of a good story and I intend on applying that motto to this blog. Caution: READ WITH A LARGE BUCKET OF SALT.

You see, in my experience, other party goers don't want to know that you woke your neighbors up by screaming at a spider the size of a five cent piece. They want to hear that it was the size of a dinner plate, it didn't actually bite you but the force of it's weight alone, descending upon your arm snapped your radius and ulna in two. The result: 3 months in a plaster cast and 6 years of physiotherapy - which luckily just ended in time for this party!!!

It is important to do your research when telling stories like this, had I merely said, "arm" instead of, "radius and ulna" it would have sounded less authentic. Using the technical bone terms makes it sound like I really got to know medical terms during my 2 month stint in hospital nursing the arm that the spider fell through.

Anyway, after many years of fighting the battle of the blog, I finally succumbed. Why? Because Moby has one. Not really, but I'm using that as my justification mainly because I am renowned for saying that blogs are for geeks (which isn't that derogatory because I've always had a lot of time for geeks, and I'm a certain breed of geek myself!). But seriously, if Moby has one I don't see why I can't have one!

A lack of avenues (here in Taiwan) for publishing the tons and tons of rubbish that oozes out of my brain everyday led me to believe that a blog is the only way forward. It's time to get the monkey off my back and put it online (I've never used "monkey on my back" in a sentence so forgive me if it's out of context). Speaking of context, I won't be held accountable for any grammatical, spelling or vocabulary mistakes found in my blog posts. My full time job is to worry about that stuff. If any of my messages are impossible to decipher, please remember the problem lies within yourself, not me.

So here we go! Thanks for sharing the adventure with me. I trust that you will never mention the fact I have a blog in public (despite the fact they're cool because Moby has one).

Until next time, please remember these two things: whenever you find yourself in a difficult situation, just think "what would Oprah do right now?" and also, a blog in the hand is worth two in the bush...or whatever.