Letters From The Monday After

Dear Weekend,

Thank you for the good times with my friends in Jhongli, also thank you for providing a forum for me to:

1. be involved in a never-ending round of shots resulting in slurred speech and inappropriate comments. 

2. be slapped in the private parts by a friend resulting in a cool new walk reminiscent of John Wayne. 

3. have the capacity to misjudge the distance from where I was standing to the bed, resulting in a bruised forearm and a 20 minute whinge about the pain. 

4. pick up a dirty cold. 

5. still be very tired on Monday morning. 

I miss you, but I am happy in the knowledge that it will only be four and a half more days until we are reunited and sharing good times again. I hope you roll around quickly, this week. 

Love, 

Lipsty

Dear Bus Company,

Thank you for providing a very cheap and convenient service. I use your bus often to travel between Taichung and Taipei. In all my years of depending on your cheap and reliable service I only have one complaint to make. It would seem that the bus journeys are always incredibly smooth unless I find myself in a position needing to use the bathroom. Of the approximately 3 times I have used the toilet in the past few years, each and every time we have hit a pot hole right at the crucial point resulting in all sorts of problems. 

I would appreciate if you could bring this up at the next staff meeting and try to do something to change it. I don't know if the driver is having a laugh or if it's just bad luck but if it's possible to fix it, I'd love it if you did. 

Thank you in advance for your serious consideration of this matter.

Best Regards,

Lipsty

Dear Ex-friend,

Thank you for having a wonderful birthday party again. I was glad I could be a part of it. That is until the point in the evening when you wanted to demonstrate how someone had accidentally slapped you in the groin. Given the fact that the 'slapper' involved in your incident did it completely accidentally, I find it very difficult to believe that he used the force and the full weight of his arm (swinging from right behind his back) to execute the maneuver, in the same manner that you did.

Although I am quite comfortable with my new walking style, I would have appreciated being given the chance to DECIDE that I wanted to start walking like John Wayne. I am left feeling resentful and a little irate by the fact you took my right to decide away. 

When I left my house on Saturday, I was completely oblivious to the fact I was about to become a victim of a copycat slapper. As a result I feel a deep sense of shame, fear and overprotectiveness towards my groin. 

In future, if you have to mimic such a terrible act, please do it with equal velocity and power to the original incident. 

I appreciate your reflection on your actions and your impending written, formal apology which will hopefully be published in the local newspaper.

Yours painfully,

Lipsty